Tweets for the Streets, Part 1

Twitter is like my favorite social media site. I got a twitter right before i left for college so that i could keep my parents informed about what i was doing without having to call them (or vice-versa) every hour of every day of the week. The following tweets are supposed to be an accurate representation of my first semester at school. the use of twitter itself changed drastically between my first semester and my second, primarily because two of my good friends, Jake Harmer and my boy Brandon decided to get twitter accounts. That invariably led to my tweets becoming more inside-joke-ish and immature (funnier). So from the first semester, things are a bit journalistic. I tweet a lot about Carson (who i hate), Andrew (who i didn't really know), and subway.

If you're a loyal enough friend to follow me on twitter, then some of this will be old news. but if you're not........enjoy. they get progressively funnier as my filter thins away into nonexistence.

enjoy

"A $200 textbook better turn me into something amazing after I read it"

"106 in Vegas. Why do I have a sweater? Cause it didn't fit in my luggage."

"People here dance weird"

"an RM is in my freshman writing class. Creepy? it's ok ladies, he's married. she's 26."

"If I hear the glee version of "don't stop believing" one more time imma smack a cracker"

"I've always thought there was something fundamentally wrong with the universe."

"nothing brightens the spirituality of a sunday afternoon like Halo in the kitchen when i get home from church."

"Been walking around campus all day and just realized the sticker is still on my pants"

"Utards are so cheap. @ subway and they're stiffin me on meat....can't they see I'm underweight ?"

"Dear random piano player girl in student union building: Thx 4 ruining that Chopin for me. Warms my heart. Call me. Love, Jacob."

"dude, potatoes are disgusting" says Carson as he eats his (n)th bunless hot dog of this week. #dessertordisaster?"

"All this library time makes me feel like hermione granger. #neverfeltsoalive"

"Dear Elise, Thanks bunches for the smack on the back of my head this morning. Nice to see you've matured lots since primary. Love, Jacob."

"Musicians, collectively, are one ugly bunch of people. It's a wonder we didn't die out years ago."

"Reading rainbow would be jealous of lee library"s swag"

"When you have a large group of people living together who are all convinced they're so unique, they all usually end up doing the same things"

"knocked on FHE group's door, another chick came out from her apt. turned out to be her b-day as well. we didn't have cake for her. awkward."

"I PUT A COUPLE POUNDS ON SINCE THE LAST GO AROUND" best ad-lib at the beginning of a song."

"Don't understand why morons that play the violin can't practice at home"

"Very tempted to pee in a water fountain because there are no bathrooms in the music building."

"matt, you don't hold hands with a chick you're just friends with" (pause) "unless she's REALLY REALLY hot"

"Not thinking my system can handle corn tortillas with nutella and peanut butter much longer"

"6 rolls of tp in a week. Somebody has a bowel problem they're not telling us about."

"Social dance has now become challenge to avoid the 50 year old lady there. They don't call this school the cougars 4 nothing"

"Got my lab sheet for physics and one of the labs is called "pop bottles". I'm hoping Gucci Mane and lil Wayne show up and be the TAs 4 it"

"do you have food/are your roommates hot? yes and yes? WE ARE SO THERE."

"get home today and there's a large BYU women's soccer poster sitting on the desk. i've got a good roommate"

"Carson and mike: blasting Britney spears, door shut and locked, singing along. I am now legit worried about how the semester will go."

"you know, this could be you're future wife here...." "no.....i'm pretty sure it's not...."

"Dude, She texted me for the first time today. you know what that means?" "She must have been really bored."

"Didn't realize the student union building is a major hub for church meetings until I walked up here in my pajamas."

"ward directory just came out.....now getting friend requests on FB from people i REALLY don't know"

"the only thing i don't like about andrew is his habit of going to bed before 2 AM. also, i don't like his capacity to wake up super early."

"I have a visual on the snake woman."

"too cheap to buy tissues, nose is running, just using newspaper because it's free. downside: ink smears on face. looks like mascara. #whoops"

"Yeah. Jimmer just walked past me. like a foot away. no big."

"It's 1 am. Tryna sleep. Some cracker in the apartment below me is singing himself to sleep or something. #thisisnothighschoolmusical."

"Andrew is sleeptalking. He just said "I love my money" #bigpimpin"

"it's a good thing they don't sell alcohol on campus....game like tonights is almost enough to turn a man to drink"

""Her picture was Not in my ward directory""

Girl: "you really love yourself don't you?" Jake: "it's more Of a lust kind of thing."

"so maybe I tried to light a match on my jeans' zipper tonight, maybe i didn't."

"matt screaming again about how he's not dating people. #getrealbro"

"how did he get my number?!?!?" "uh....you texted him" "oh....."

"Second time this week i've had to sprint out of the girls new heritage building. #collegelife"

"Sagging your pants showing your drawers is cool, until you realize that your briefs are inside out. #backfire"

"Homecoming is not stag.....smh. Now I got to pretend to be interested in a chick to get a date"

"you know, i'd like a lot of women a lot more if they smelled either of beef jerky or gasoline."

"spent the night knocking on girls' doors asking them how to make brownies from a mix. #sosinglerighthere"

"i'm not a hipster, i'm actually European"

"Attention women: do not breast feed your children at football games. Use the bathroom or something. Don't feed your kid in the stands."

"just got nimmered. #holla"

"I can't just show up at her dorm and say 'let's go hot tub'" "fetch yeah you can"

"sounds produced by am individual are rarely perceived as annoying by that individual" physics textbook explains why so many people sing.

"Jake, beauty is in the eye of the beholder" "matt must have a pencil stuck in his eye."

"so matt's pseudo-girlfriend's FB default pic is with andrew.....#likeaboss"

"#textoftheday "Heard you three asked some girls out with some more random objects" fetch yeah we did."

"hey, i want to drop some dough on you sometime. Text me."

"there is an inverse relation between how old you are and how excited you get about going to the bathroom. the older, the less excited. #fact"

"Pretty sure I've made up about 10 words for this paper. Prof said she wanted creativity. #takethat"

""so my bishop gave me advice on dating....he said it'd turn me into a dating machine!!" "so what are you doing friday?" "no." #iamachamp"

"i really hope the girls on the 4th floor of the new heritage building don't compare notes.........."

"Walk into physics and prof. Is showing Rebecca blacks "Friday" almost walked out and shot a bunny. So hard not to skip class. #friday"

"On my geology hike today I had a real treat.Got to listen to a bunch ofdifferent girls compare ways they got two guysjake and jacobs numbers" -Mckenna

"#textoftheday- "i'd rather cuddle with jacob than with you." -Jake Harmer. #nohomo. just telling it how it is."

"doing my bowings for symph. good thing my section leader was drunk when she scanned the music into the PDF. half the music is missing."

#textoftheday "You know It's gonna be a hard day when you look at a box that says concentrated and you think it says castrated"

"one page of http://iwastesomuchtime.com. hold me to that." -Andrew. #Famouslastwords

"putting pics of yourself on chick's door: fun. asking girl out: fun. currently dreading the date. something wrong with me?"

"the day is not complete without a "you're weird" text from sharissa"

"caleb's xbox live subscription expired so he has moved the device into his room (xbox no longer in kitchen). finally. this is a good day"

"Feelings make you weak. Havent you ever seen star wars?"

"Hugging the TA will not make your exam score higher you dipwad"

"First morning i've woken up this semester and the apt. hasn't reeked of human flatulence. I've got the feeling next term will be awesome."

New Roommates.

"Wearing cologne and mosquito repellent function on the same principle: if you're around enough people who are wearing it, then you don't need to. "

Sometimes i come up with inspirational quotes like that. get. at. me.


My mother (of all people) gave me a brilliant idea that is now being materialized in this post.  Since i'm writing for my college friends now (i might block my parents from my blog), I'm going to post on my new roommates, or (for lack of a better qualifier) my family so that when i reference something that someone did or said, y'all get an idea of who they are.

Dad- My dad is uh.....my dad i guess. He runs his own law practice (he's a doctor) that i'm working at until i go on my mission. I'm kind of this secretaryish thing. I get to mail lots of letters so i have this super-awesome callous on my tongue now from my efforts this week. hot. I guess i should mention here that my dad shares office space with two other attorneys, one of whom is named Frank (his name has been changed to protect identity). For those of you who are loyal enough to follow me on twitter, you may have seen quotes from him this week.....that's because he's essentially the complete stereotypical trial lawyer. don't get me wrong, he's a really good guy, but sometimes his language and temper both fly off the handle (he's called the cops on a couple clients.....). he's a great guy though. makes me laugh every time i'm in to work.

Mom- My mom is kind of a clone of my grandmother. she's pretty awesome. she likes to sew and was recently (this year) released as the ward young women's president....which means for a very short period of time she didn't really know what to do with her life, so now she's back at community college with all the potheads from my graduating class. I'm pretty sure her return to college to finish her degree (she left BYU at 19 with my father after they got married. it was a different time) is owed in part to me, because i told her specifically before i left that she would no longer be able to give me life advice after my freshman year of college because that's all the postsecondary schooling she'd ever received. when i get back from turkey, she'll be close to done with her degree. touche mother. touche.

Josh- Josh actually doesn't live at home. He's my older brother who got back from his mission to alaska in november. Some of you may have met him while i was at school because he came down to visit a couple times. I do remember the one weekend i went up to idaho to visit him was the most boring weekend of everyone's lives down in provo. i'm just that great. We're pretty tight. so since he's not home, not much will be mentioned here i guess.

Joseph- Joseph is 16 and throws shot for the high school track team. he's a big, muscled guy. I'm yet to let him drive me around in our family minivan, even though he asks me to every time we get in the car together. In the past we've bashed heads a bit, but now we get along fine. he weighs a lot more than i do and would probably crush me in a wrestling match (not really though), but i take pride in the fact that my weight is all muscle.

Jess- He skips school, runs out of church, and listens to justin beiber. he's an interesting one. he says lots of goofy stuff and undertakes "projects" that usually end up with lots of crap strewn over our garage i guess. We almost started him an e-trade account so that he could be occupied.

whatever. it's late and i'm going to bed.

Back At the Beach

I had an interesting realization tonight about my blog.

In essence, i started my blog last july (ish) because some of my friends told me i was a mildly funny writer, and because i figured it'd be a good way to keep my parents off my butt while i was at college if i occasionally wrote a post about what i was doing. what didn't come to mind was the fact that i'd enjoy this way more than anticipated, so now i kind of blog like, all the time! LOL. SMILEY FACE :).

anywho, i decided that now that i'm home my audience has shifted from my parents reading about what i do at college to my college friends reading about what i do when i live with my parents. Countless hordes of cougars have begged on bended knee not only for my hand in marriage but also for a blog post. more the latter. let's not be too sketchy here.

I could saturate this post with the final moments of my freshman year of college, but i feel like my twitter has done that many times over in 140 characters or less. i've decided instead of dedicating long-winded paragraphs to my friends from freshman year, all of you hoping for a shoutout will just get a couple sentences, then we'll all get on with life.

Andrew- You're the best, don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise, and i wish i could go to germany with you, but turkey needs me. We will see each other again! Couldn't have asked for a better roommate!

Sharissa- Thanks for cooking for me, i really hope your "master plan" works out. you lucked out with whitley as a roomie.

Brandon-Fall semester you seemed like the antithesis of cool, but then you moved in and i got to know you better. Thanks for taking me to the gym and looking puny while i crush it there. try not to let any women talk to you after 10 pm, just to be safe. I miss you in a very non platonic way. good luck in africa. I guess i should talk about that chick you think you're going to marry here, but i'll resist the temptation.

Alyssa- my parents thought/think we're dating, and the more i stress to them we're not, the more they think we are. sorry babe, but you're just not my type. </3 good luck with Mat though. wait for him.

Mckenna-Thanks for all the haircuts, even though my head was a bit uneven and my hair grew weird. it's the way God made me. I'm glad you're sarcastic and can understand my humor, because most women i just have to laugh at.

Kevin- I never want to forget your two most inspirational sayings- "is she fat?" and "well....she was about a 4 out of 10."

Hannah-you probably won't read this, but you're such a great friend! thanks for deciding to come to orientation so we could be buddies in writing and american heritage, even though i was paying very close attention during all the lectures.

Jake-you rock man! good luck in Brazil. Counting on you to kick satan's butt. we've done some stuff i don't regret and some stuff i should regret but still don't. stay beautiful princess. it's more of a lust thing.

Becca- I'm not sure whether i should give you a backhanded compliment here or outright mock you, so i'll leave a big blank and you can choose. _______________________________________.


now that my touchy-feely feelings inventory is over, i'm going to share a bit about VA beach.

Life here is slightly different. there are more trees. the light switches are not high enough off the ground. little things. I've been working for my dad, which i'll probably blog about later, but tonight i had an experience i just want to archive in the annals of my internet diary that i let everyone read!

So there's this girl who used to live in my ward who is getting married saturday. the whole deal is going to be a major production. the royal wedding. so far for me though, it's been a royal pain up the butt and here's why:

I semi-volunteered to help set up some decorations for the reception earlier last night. long story short, after about 2 hours of work i found myself in the gym with a bishopric member hanging christmas lights from hula hoops hoping he wouldn't fall off the 30 foot ladder he was perched atop of with his nail gun because it'd be awkward to explain to his wife. The guy is a handyman, and we were putting up this inordinately designed network of christmas lights from the ceiling for the reception. it was a bit frustrating.  all i'm saying is that i'm either never getting married, eloping, or dying on my mission because weddings are just no fun for anyone. ANYONE. except maybe for me when i show up 23 minutes late to make my in laws sweat.

Called to Serve

For all who have been living under a rock for the past 8 days, I have received my mission call to serve the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints for the next two years of my life to the Bulgaria Sofia Mission. and guess what? i'm not speaking bulgarian. or french (it was a long shot). I'm speaking TURKISH for crying out loud! it's going to be awesome! definitely counting down the days until i'm over on the other side of the world. after the initial shock wore off, i realized that my mission covers both bulgaria AND turkey in their entirety! Turkey opened for missionary work in like.........FEBRUARY OF THIS YEAR! insane! I'm thinking that since i'll be speaking turkish i'll be there quite a bit, but who knows?

It seems that pretty much everyone i know has either met someone who lives in turkey or been there themselves. i guess i represent the .0001% of the world that has NOT been to turkey yet. definitely going to change within the next year. Jake bought me a turkish Book of Mormon for my birthday, and i can't read a word of it. it also looks nothing like anything i've ever seen before. everyone, self included, thought i'd definitely serve my mission in Utah, but we were all just a little bit wrong.

anyway, I'm way excited to have my call! wouldn't want to spend the next 2 years of my life ANY OTHER WAY. turkey is 99.8% Muslim, so the proverbial field is "white and ready to harvest." Game time.



here's the video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tc7XZHV8oKk&feature=player_embedded

Chronicle

it being a thursday night in provo with nothing to do, Jake and i decided to hit the dollar theater for a movie. jake was accompanied by his girlish friend, and i rolled solo tonight. usually, when we go to a dollar movie, jake brings his special friend and i text every girl in my phone and offer them a free movie in order to avoid playing the ever-increasing role of 3rd wheel at the movies. I don't mind, but it's nice to have someone to talk to while jake is.............otherwise occupied.

Tonight's movie was the 2012 spectacular called Chronicle. It reeled in an astounding 85% on rotten tomatoes, and, as far as the east side of the 2nd floor of my hall is concerned, that about warrants an academy award. It did say online that there was a sequence of "teen drinking," so it was a long shot getting jake to go. should've been a good movie, right?

WRONG.

for starters, it was filmed in a very cloverfield-esque style. this means that the entire movie is seen from the lens of a handheld camera. artistic? sure. give me a headache? definitely. did people leave the theatre? YES. having the dollar theater sound system coupled with what looks like a 4-year old's cinematography does nothing good for the film. i get the feeling when a video production company runs out of money they start selling stuff (like camera tripods) to make ends meet, then you get this lovely artsy parkinsons hipster footage that you have to suffer through until either the theater implodes from a lack of quality or the movie ends.

 Don't get me wrong, i freakin LOVE the dollar theater. it's the only way i see movies now. i'm way too budget-conscious (or pretend to be) to pay like 9 bucks for a movie, 18 if i take a girl. I just sit and wait for it to hit the dollar theater so going to the movies doesn't have to be some big, expensive, sacrifice-a-couple-meals-for-a-girl kind of event. sure the sound system is crappy, the screens are small, and the overall vibe is one of "are you 18?," but man, i don't feel a smidgeon of guilt talking and texting all the way through a bad movie. If people get mad at me i'm just like "what, am i wasting your money? you paid a freakin' dollar for this! Honey Badger take what it want!" You do kind of have to be careful with where you sit in the dollar theater. just throwing that out there.

mediocrity of visual effects and cinematography aside, the molasses-paced plot and script were about the worst thing i've heard since the guttural screams of that live walrus we chucked in the deep-fat frier. it sounded like a good idea at the time. the movie moved so slow i thought it might be going backwards. it's pretty much about these three guys who touch a magic rock that gives them telekinetic powers. one of the kids turns out to be an emo freak with no friends, so he naturally abuses his powers and kills people and stuff. there's no real conflict, other than emo boy (whose videocamera we see about 98% of the movie from) going crazy and wanting to destroy the world. yeah. in essence, the entire movie was described by the word that was said the most during it.....a word i will not say here because there are preschool toys present. I'm not one who gets offended by poor language, i just think it's poor. makes people look like complete idiots, especially when your "snappy script" (rotten tomatoes) can't go more than 12 seconds without dropping some curse bomb. The final battle scene involved two of the three guys duking it out through some city that i think is in washington state......seattle possibly? kevin would know. anyhow, i feel like the screenwriter just copy-pasted the dialog from the obi-wan kenobi anakin skywalker fight scene into his movie. It would seem that a half-dead bleeding sack of teenager screaming "YOU UNDERESTIMATE MY POWERS" at his best friend turned arch-nemesis never gets old. never.

the good thing about chronicle is that it is one short movie. It was 90 minutes long, tops. small miracles like that make this world worth living in.