Ideally, this post would bear another moniker (similar to a humorous book filled with a certain foul-mouthed father's sayings), but since i will be devoting my life to full time church service in a mere 20 days, I figured it was good to go with the PG heading.
Every Memorial Day weekend, my mom's mother comes out from Salt Lake City Utah. She comes out to virginia to visit arlington national cemetery where my grandfather is buried. It's quite a production. every year.
Whenever I see my grandmother, she makes a point to tell me that i come from "good polygamist stock" or something like that. Given the fact that she's orrin Hatch's sister, she makes a point to bring not only politics but also campaign literature to the dinner table.
She's rather quirky, just like the rest of my family. She hails from utah, and if you look up "utah mormon" in the dictionary, her picture is there. She's a great woman, but sometimes she says things that just.....yeah. She's also big on "preserving things" for "your posterity," which i took as an invitation to immortalize her in prose as a testimony to my children that near-insanity comes from my side of the family. So yes grandma, you brought this one on yourself.
Here are some gems from her while she's stayed with us.
"what if you go over there and they all have, like nasty teeth and everything?" Lots of comments were dropped about my mission this week. My grandmother has very....skewed views of people who live in the middle east, which is kind of interesting because one of her sons-in-law is from Iran. I got the vibe for most of the weekend that she was attempting to scare me or rattle my cage by making comments about the area of the world i'll be spending my next two years in. This comment was directed toward the Turks, but i think that Americans are just as disgusting, if not more, than any other race on the planet. We're all fat, ugly, and that lovely kidney bean hue that you get from a tanning bed.
"If i were a missionary who got called to Salt Lake City, I'd sure be disappointed." So yeah, my call to go to bulgaria/turkey is pretty darn cool. But anywhere anyone serves is amazing! to me, this is probably the most utahish thing i've heard leave my grandmother's mouth. After she said this, i responded with a "yeah, I don't know any girl that would marry a returned missionary who served somewhere as LAME as salt lake city!" she missed the sarcasm. Generational gap i guess.
"I definitely didn't see as many minorities as i thought i would in chicago. I thought the place would be overpopulated with blacks." Grandma stopped in chicago for a bit on her way out to the east coast. so yup. it didn't meet her expectations.
"Your news isn't as racy as i'm used to. nobody is getting shot, stabbed, or killed." after my grandma said this, i told her that i was sorry virginia beach didn't cater to her news needs. It's a lot less violent out here than it is in utah due to the lower density of mormons. that's right. read it again and it'll make sense.
"I can't tell races apart anymore. There's so much intermarriage." There was a point in my life where my grandmother's irreverent, politically incorrect, bordering on bigotry comments were funny, but now they just make me grimace.
"your grandfather kissed me better than any other guy i'd ever met." Part of the fun of being with grandma is she'll TMI you off the face of the planet. Yes, i did want to know how good of a kisser my grandfather was. Thankfully this was all the detail that was given on the subject.
"I'm so ignorant, but I've lived my whole life like this. So you can make it all the way through life being totally ignorant." What shocks me is that she KNOWS how ignorant she is, and just lives like it. it's kind of mind boggling.
".....Because i could drop dead at any moment." this is usually preceded by "take a picture" or "this might be the last time you see me." everyone always giggles when she says this,
5/30/2012
5/13/2012
Post mission predictions
So i was texting a friend tonight and started speculating in my head about what my personality will be like when i return from Turkey. this got me thinking as to how everyone else i know will change. here's what i thought.....
2 years in a foreign environment is going to put us all through some big changes. we're going to be different people when we get back. possibly.
Andrew- Germany will make Andrew socially awkward. Horribly so. He'll get back to college and won't even be able to talk to a girl without blushing furiously, stepping away from her then too close, winking strangely, then reciting a poem he wrote for her in German. People will start avoiding him and he'll get the label of "that guy......" He might also gain 150 pounds in germany and have special shipments of chocolate sent to him from his friends over there exclaiming in his favorite language every time a package arrives. who knows, he might even read Mein Kampf and quote it in sacrament meeting. in essence, he becomes an introvert, doomed to a life alone.
Brandon- He'll come back all the way from south africa, She-who-must-not-be-named will have waited for him, and he'll want nothing to do with her. for those of you who know what i'm talking about, i know that's really really hard to believe. this is just speculation. He probably won't even marry a blonde. It's actually possible that Elder Summers will just stay in South Africa and just drool about the politics there. Since i don't know much about politics, i can't make jokes about them i guess. Brandon will definitely still want to room with me though. that will not change.
Jake- Jake will return from Brazil with an inferiority complex. the cause will be unclear, but it might have something to do with Whitley being a perfect person and besting him week after week in every category of mission life. this will inevitably lead to their marriage. Jake will be unsure of himself, develop a stutter, and then switch his major to family and consumer sciences because whitley already graduated and he'll be the one home with the kids. it's a scary post-mission world if you haven't noticed.
Matt-will not ask things like "can we as members of the church eat chicken hearts?"
Mat- will forget how to bake good food and inevitably become morbidly obese due to the fact that we don't know where he's been called yet. the only sure thing is that he'll gain so much weight that he'll have to ride the elevator by himself. actually no, kevin will be his fat buddy. they'll go to weight watchers together.
Me-I will mellow out completely, lose my spontaneous spirit, and become extremely....normal. the thought alone sends chills down my spine, and "a world where jacob is normal is a dark place indeed." pranking, intentional immaturity, awkwardness, and general lack of respect for authority.
Actually now that i think of it, the things listed above are the least likely to happen to us
2 years in a foreign environment is going to put us all through some big changes. we're going to be different people when we get back. possibly.
Andrew- Germany will make Andrew socially awkward. Horribly so. He'll get back to college and won't even be able to talk to a girl without blushing furiously, stepping away from her then too close, winking strangely, then reciting a poem he wrote for her in German. People will start avoiding him and he'll get the label of "that guy......" He might also gain 150 pounds in germany and have special shipments of chocolate sent to him from his friends over there exclaiming in his favorite language every time a package arrives. who knows, he might even read Mein Kampf and quote it in sacrament meeting. in essence, he becomes an introvert, doomed to a life alone.
Brandon- He'll come back all the way from south africa, She-who-must-not-be-named will have waited for him, and he'll want nothing to do with her. for those of you who know what i'm talking about, i know that's really really hard to believe. this is just speculation. He probably won't even marry a blonde. It's actually possible that Elder Summers will just stay in South Africa and just drool about the politics there. Since i don't know much about politics, i can't make jokes about them i guess. Brandon will definitely still want to room with me though. that will not change.
Jake- Jake will return from Brazil with an inferiority complex. the cause will be unclear, but it might have something to do with Whitley being a perfect person and besting him week after week in every category of mission life. this will inevitably lead to their marriage. Jake will be unsure of himself, develop a stutter, and then switch his major to family and consumer sciences because whitley already graduated and he'll be the one home with the kids. it's a scary post-mission world if you haven't noticed.
Matt-will not ask things like "can we as members of the church eat chicken hearts?"
Mat- will forget how to bake good food and inevitably become morbidly obese due to the fact that we don't know where he's been called yet. the only sure thing is that he'll gain so much weight that he'll have to ride the elevator by himself. actually no, kevin will be his fat buddy. they'll go to weight watchers together.
Me-I will mellow out completely, lose my spontaneous spirit, and become extremely....normal. the thought alone sends chills down my spine, and "a world where jacob is normal is a dark place indeed." pranking, intentional immaturity, awkwardness, and general lack of respect for authority.
Actually now that i think of it, the things listed above are the least likely to happen to us
5/01/2012
For My All My Freshmen Women Folk Friends.
So i was looking for material for my blog....usually i try to pull from some lovely life experience i've had and put some kind of silly twist on it, but tonight my thoughts were directed towards what life will be like for all my wonderful friends of the opposite gender that i've met in utah while i'm rocking everyone's socks off halfway around the world.
So i'm going to talk about what i anticipate dating will be like for y'all. I'm not saying i know anything here, or that this categorizes everyone, i just think it's funny. so shoot me. in the thigh though, cause my mom will come for your blood if i die and i need my arms/hands.
The dating game definitely changes your sophomore year at BYU. I kind of wish i could be there just to observe, but....I'll be in turkey. Maybe just a bit cooler. Anyhow, it'll be quite an
I was thinking earlier tonight and decided that women fall into 6 categories their sophomore year of college at BYU. I've named said categories and then added a little bit about them, including the different responses to expect from an RM when he figures out which one you are. Again, none of this may be correct, but i think i have a good idea. So shoot me.
At first i think you as a woman will probably rave about how mature all the guys have become during your "ladies' nights" that all men are excluded from (or whatever you call them). No dip, sherlock, all of them have been geographically displaced for two years, lived by a regimented schedule, and done nothing but preach the gospel for two years, which sometimes has happened in a foreign country and in a language other than one they speak natively. Thinking that makes someone grow up rather quickly. I'm not saying every single guy will be like that, but i'd hazard a guess that most will. Most of you as women probably won't run into any guys that are your age for another two years. I'd be weirded out if it was me.
after getting over the initial shock of no longer being surrounded by boys late in the stages of adolescence wears off, you'll take a dump on yourself (figuratively) and fall into one of these categories, albeit however much you may deny it (pretty sure that was the wrong use of albeit, but whatever).
So when Kevin the RM who just finished his mission to dubai, india approaches you at ward prayer and asks you to commit to a social activity the following friday night, you'll probably respond in one of these ways, either out loud or in your head. I could discuss the differences between what women say and what they actually think, (because i'm such an expert on female psychology) but that'd probably bore everybody half to death and the other half of the audience that is still alive would probably murder me. ish.
Kevin: "hey babe, you're lookin as fine as a ticket on the dash tonight (his sad attempt at swagger). My boys and i are headin up the canyon (you know, cause we have cars) this friday and i wanted to know if you'd like to come with me..(pause) ..as my DATE."
If his approach he's spent the past 6 hours constructing hasn't turned you off by now, reading this blog probably will be really insulting so i'd just stop now.
Here are a couple responses i've envisioned:
The "Oh i'm waiting for my boyfriend." As an RM, Kevin's first two thoughts are "Challenge Accepted." and "sucks to be him." I'll keep my personal opinions to myself about how the whole guy having a girl wait for him on his mission is pretty much the stupidest thing to surface the planet, but yeah. Instead of interpreting that as "no, Stay away from me," Kevin's mind has been conditioned against rejection by his mission so he hears "Try again later, If you annoy me enough it'll happen." If kevin doesn't wear this girl down, some other RM will. 2 years is a long time honey. Especially if you're hot.
The "I'm scared of you, you're a wife hunter." Initially, most sophomore girls probably feel this way. After spending a year with guys like me who enjoy demonizing RMs and painting them as crazed marriage-hungry machines of awkward, it's hard not to (i am rather persuasive). if you find yourself in this category, it probably won't last long, because you don't want to fall into the "girl that hasn't been on any dates this semester" category. Sure, you'll reject kevin, maybe his roommate, then maybe your home teacher, but If guys keep asking, you'll cave. LOLtastic. This stage will probably last for a week or two. tops.
The "Sure, but I just want to date for fun." You've made Kevin's life just now. What he hears is similar to what he heard on the mish when someone said "yeah, i'll read your book, but i'm not super interested in religion right now." after date 1 with kevin (which will probably last anywhere from 1 to 9 hours and may consume your entire friday evening), he'll probably DTR it right there and say that he respects your space, is ok being friends, and that you're a wonderful human being. then he'll ask you out again in like two weeks. or two days. then you have the whole "let him down slowy/kill with the knife or spoon" dilemma. NOBODY should be spooned to death. horrible way to die.
The "I'm going to be a nun until all the boys i liked freshmen year get back." This is kind of a subcategory of the wife hunter one. except it'll be even shorter than lindsey lohan's first and third stints as a lesbian. yes, i stole that joke from conan o brian.
The "Ok....Sounds fun." Too tired to fill this one in. feel free to speculate.
The "Yeah i know you, Haven't you seen me around?" This chick is a step ahead on the marriage game. While we were all sitting in heritage halls playing murder in the dark, she was down in off-campus housing husband-hunting. For some reason though, she's not married yet, which could be a byproduct of personality flaws. She's at BYU for one reason and one reason only. Kevin is probably a bit intimidated by this one, because she's looking for the same thing as him. Scary.
The "Hands off, boys, i'm engaged already." WORD. We're just waiting for her to hit the temple up and tie the knot for eternity. She didn't mess around her freshman year. she also was probably an undeclared major. I guess i should add here that my mom got engaged her freshman year at BYU, but seriously people, that was a different world back then. I respect her because if my parents hadn't got married when they did, i wouldn't be around. so there.
So i'm going to talk about what i anticipate dating will be like for y'all. I'm not saying i know anything here, or that this categorizes everyone, i just think it's funny. so shoot me. in the thigh though, cause my mom will come for your blood if i die and i need my arms/hands.
The dating game definitely changes your sophomore year at BYU. I kind of wish i could be there just to observe, but....I'll be in turkey. Maybe just a bit cooler. Anyhow, it'll be quite an
I was thinking earlier tonight and decided that women fall into 6 categories their sophomore year of college at BYU. I've named said categories and then added a little bit about them, including the different responses to expect from an RM when he figures out which one you are. Again, none of this may be correct, but i think i have a good idea. So shoot me.
At first i think you as a woman will probably rave about how mature all the guys have become during your "ladies' nights" that all men are excluded from (or whatever you call them). No dip, sherlock, all of them have been geographically displaced for two years, lived by a regimented schedule, and done nothing but preach the gospel for two years, which sometimes has happened in a foreign country and in a language other than one they speak natively. Thinking that makes someone grow up rather quickly. I'm not saying every single guy will be like that, but i'd hazard a guess that most will. Most of you as women probably won't run into any guys that are your age for another two years. I'd be weirded out if it was me.
after getting over the initial shock of no longer being surrounded by boys late in the stages of adolescence wears off, you'll take a dump on yourself (figuratively) and fall into one of these categories, albeit however much you may deny it (pretty sure that was the wrong use of albeit, but whatever).
So when Kevin the RM who just finished his mission to dubai, india approaches you at ward prayer and asks you to commit to a social activity the following friday night, you'll probably respond in one of these ways, either out loud or in your head. I could discuss the differences between what women say and what they actually think, (because i'm such an expert on female psychology) but that'd probably bore everybody half to death and the other half of the audience that is still alive would probably murder me. ish.
Kevin: "hey babe, you're lookin as fine as a ticket on the dash tonight (his sad attempt at swagger). My boys and i are headin up the canyon (you know, cause we have cars) this friday and i wanted to know if you'd like to come with me..(pause) ..as my DATE."
If his approach he's spent the past 6 hours constructing hasn't turned you off by now, reading this blog probably will be really insulting so i'd just stop now.
Here are a couple responses i've envisioned:
The "Oh i'm waiting for my boyfriend." As an RM, Kevin's first two thoughts are "Challenge Accepted." and "sucks to be him." I'll keep my personal opinions to myself about how the whole guy having a girl wait for him on his mission is pretty much the stupidest thing to surface the planet, but yeah. Instead of interpreting that as "no, Stay away from me," Kevin's mind has been conditioned against rejection by his mission so he hears "Try again later, If you annoy me enough it'll happen." If kevin doesn't wear this girl down, some other RM will. 2 years is a long time honey. Especially if you're hot.
The "I'm scared of you, you're a wife hunter." Initially, most sophomore girls probably feel this way. After spending a year with guys like me who enjoy demonizing RMs and painting them as crazed marriage-hungry machines of awkward, it's hard not to (i am rather persuasive). if you find yourself in this category, it probably won't last long, because you don't want to fall into the "girl that hasn't been on any dates this semester" category. Sure, you'll reject kevin, maybe his roommate, then maybe your home teacher, but If guys keep asking, you'll cave. LOLtastic. This stage will probably last for a week or two. tops.
The "Sure, but I just want to date for fun." You've made Kevin's life just now. What he hears is similar to what he heard on the mish when someone said "yeah, i'll read your book, but i'm not super interested in religion right now." after date 1 with kevin (which will probably last anywhere from 1 to 9 hours and may consume your entire friday evening), he'll probably DTR it right there and say that he respects your space, is ok being friends, and that you're a wonderful human being. then he'll ask you out again in like two weeks. or two days. then you have the whole "let him down slowy/kill with the knife or spoon" dilemma. NOBODY should be spooned to death. horrible way to die.
The "I'm going to be a nun until all the boys i liked freshmen year get back." This is kind of a subcategory of the wife hunter one. except it'll be even shorter than lindsey lohan's first and third stints as a lesbian. yes, i stole that joke from conan o brian.
The "Ok....Sounds fun." Too tired to fill this one in. feel free to speculate.
The "Yeah i know you, Haven't you seen me around?" This chick is a step ahead on the marriage game. While we were all sitting in heritage halls playing murder in the dark, she was down in off-campus housing husband-hunting. For some reason though, she's not married yet, which could be a byproduct of personality flaws. She's at BYU for one reason and one reason only. Kevin is probably a bit intimidated by this one, because she's looking for the same thing as him. Scary.
The "Hands off, boys, i'm engaged already." WORD. We're just waiting for her to hit the temple up and tie the knot for eternity. She didn't mess around her freshman year. she also was probably an undeclared major. I guess i should add here that my mom got engaged her freshman year at BYU, but seriously people, that was a different world back then. I respect her because if my parents hadn't got married when they did, i wouldn't be around. so there.
4/29/2012
Tweets for the Streets, Part 1
Twitter is like my favorite social media site. I got a twitter right before i left for college so that i could keep my parents informed about what i was doing without having to call them (or vice-versa) every hour of every day of the week. The following tweets are supposed to be an accurate representation of my first semester at school. the use of twitter itself changed drastically between my first semester and my second, primarily because two of my good friends, Jake Harmer and my boy Brandon decided to get twitter accounts. That invariably led to my tweets becoming more inside-joke-ish and immature (funnier). So from the first semester, things are a bit journalistic. I tweet a lot about Carson (who i hate), Andrew (who i didn't really know), and subway.
If you're a loyal enough friend to follow me on twitter, then some of this will be old news. but if you're not........enjoy. they get progressively funnier as my filter thins away into nonexistence.
enjoy
"A $200 textbook better turn me into something amazing after I read it"
"106 in Vegas. Why do I have a sweater? Cause it didn't fit in my luggage."
"People here dance weird"
"an RM is in my freshman writing class. Creepy? it's ok ladies, he's married. she's 26."
"If I hear the glee version of "don't stop believing" one more time imma smack a cracker"
"I've always thought there was something fundamentally wrong with the universe."
"nothing brightens the spirituality of a sunday afternoon like Halo in the kitchen when i get home from church."
"Been walking around campus all day and just realized the sticker is still on my pants"
"Utards are so cheap. @ subway and they're stiffin me on meat....can't they see I'm underweight ?"
"Dear random piano player girl in student union building: Thx 4 ruining that Chopin for me. Warms my heart. Call me. Love, Jacob."
"dude, potatoes are disgusting" says Carson as he eats his (n)th bunless hot dog of this week.#dessertordisaster?"
"All this library time makes me feel like hermione granger.#neverfeltsoalive"
"Dear Elise, Thanks bunches for the smack on the back of my head this morning. Nice to see you've matured lots since primary. Love, Jacob."
"Musicians, collectively, are one ugly bunch of people. It's a wonder we didn't die out years ago."
"Reading rainbow would be jealous of lee library"s swag"
"When you have a large group of people living together who are all convinced they're so unique, they all usually end up doing the same things"
"knocked on FHE group's door, another chick came out from her apt. turned out to be her b-day as well. we didn't have cake for her. awkward."
"I PUT A COUPLE POUNDS ON SINCE THE LAST GO AROUND" best ad-lib at the beginning of a song."
"Don't understand why morons that play the violin can't practice at home"
"Very tempted to pee in a water fountain because there are no bathrooms in the music building."
"matt, you don't hold hands with a chick you're just friends with" (pause) "unless she's REALLY REALLY hot"
"Not thinking my system can handle corn tortillas with nutella and peanut butter much longer"
"6 rolls of tp in a week. Somebody has a bowel problem they're not telling us about."
"Social dance has now become challenge to avoid the 50 year old lady there. They don't call this school the cougars 4 nothing"
"Got my lab sheet for physics and one of the labs is called "pop bottles". I'm hoping Gucci Mane and lil Wayne show up and be the TAs 4 it"
"do you have food/are your roommates hot? yes and yes? WE ARE SO THERE."
"get home today and there's a large BYU women's soccer poster sitting on the desk. i've got a good roommate"
"Carson and mike: blasting Britney spears, door shut and locked, singing along. I am now legit worried about how the semester will go."
"you know, this could be you're future wife here...." "no.....i'm pretty sure it's not...."
"Dude, She texted me for the first time today. you know what that means?" "She must have been really bored."
"Didn't realize the student union building is a major hub for church meetings until I walked up here in my pajamas."
"ward directory just came out.....now getting friend requests on FB from people i REALLY don't know"
"the only thing i don't like about andrew is his habit of going to bed before 2 AM. also, i don't like his capacity to wake up super early."
"I have a visual on the snake woman."
"too cheap to buy tissues, nose is running, just using newspaper because it's free. downside: ink smears on face. looks like mascara.#whoops"
"#textoftheday "Heard you three asked some girls out with some more random objects" fetch yeah we did."
#textoftheday "You know It's gonna be a hard day when you look at a box that says concentrated and you think it says castrated"
If you're a loyal enough friend to follow me on twitter, then some of this will be old news. but if you're not........enjoy. they get progressively funnier as my filter thins away into nonexistence.
enjoy
"A $200 textbook better turn me into something amazing after I read it"
"106 in Vegas. Why do I have a sweater? Cause it didn't fit in my luggage."
"People here dance weird"
"an RM is in my freshman writing class. Creepy? it's ok ladies, he's married. she's 26."
"If I hear the glee version of "don't stop believing" one more time imma smack a cracker"
"I've always thought there was something fundamentally wrong with the universe."
"nothing brightens the spirituality of a sunday afternoon like Halo in the kitchen when i get home from church."
"Been walking around campus all day and just realized the sticker is still on my pants"
"Utards are so cheap. @ subway and they're stiffin me on meat....can't they see I'm underweight ?"
"Dear random piano player girl in student union building: Thx 4 ruining that Chopin for me. Warms my heart. Call me. Love, Jacob."
"dude, potatoes are disgusting" says Carson as he eats his (n)th bunless hot dog of this week.
"All this library time makes me feel like hermione granger.
"Dear Elise, Thanks bunches for the smack on the back of my head this morning. Nice to see you've matured lots since primary. Love, Jacob."
"Musicians, collectively, are one ugly bunch of people. It's a wonder we didn't die out years ago."
"Reading rainbow would be jealous of lee library"s swag"
"When you have a large group of people living together who are all convinced they're so unique, they all usually end up doing the same things"
"knocked on FHE group's door, another chick came out from her apt. turned out to be her b-day as well. we didn't have cake for her. awkward."
"I PUT A COUPLE POUNDS ON SINCE THE LAST GO AROUND" best ad-lib at the beginning of a song."
"Don't understand why morons that play the violin can't practice at home"
"Very tempted to pee in a water fountain because there are no bathrooms in the music building."
"matt, you don't hold hands with a chick you're just friends with" (pause) "unless she's REALLY REALLY hot"
"Not thinking my system can handle corn tortillas with nutella and peanut butter much longer"
"6 rolls of tp in a week. Somebody has a bowel problem they're not telling us about."
"Social dance has now become challenge to avoid the 50 year old lady there. They don't call this school the cougars 4 nothing"
"Got my lab sheet for physics and one of the labs is called "pop bottles". I'm hoping Gucci Mane and lil Wayne show up and be the TAs 4 it"
"do you have food/are your roommates hot? yes and yes? WE ARE SO THERE."
"get home today and there's a large BYU women's soccer poster sitting on the desk. i've got a good roommate"
"Carson and mike: blasting Britney spears, door shut and locked, singing along. I am now legit worried about how the semester will go."
"you know, this could be you're future wife here...." "no.....i'm pretty sure it's not...."
"Dude, She texted me for the first time today. you know what that means?" "She must have been really bored."
"Didn't realize the student union building is a major hub for church meetings until I walked up here in my pajamas."
"ward directory just came out.....now getting friend requests on FB from people i REALLY don't know"
"the only thing i don't like about andrew is his habit of going to bed before 2 AM. also, i don't like his capacity to wake up super early."
"I have a visual on the snake woman."
"too cheap to buy tissues, nose is running, just using newspaper because it's free. downside: ink smears on face. looks like mascara.
"Yeah. Jimmer just walked past me. like a foot away. no big."
"It's 1 am. Tryna sleep. Some cracker in the apartment below me is singing himself to sleep or something. #thisisnothighschoolmusical."
"Andrew is sleeptalking. He just said "I love my money" #bigpimpin"
"it's a good thing they don't sell alcohol on campus....game like tonights is almost enough to turn a man to drink"
""Her picture was Not in my ward directory""
Girl: "you really love yourself don't you?"
Jake: "it's more Of a lust kind of thing."
"so maybe I tried to light a match on my jeans' zipper tonight, maybe i didn't."
"matt screaming again about how he's not dating people. #getrealbro"
"how did he get my number?!?!?"
"uh....you texted him"
"oh....."
"Second time this week i've had to sprint out of the girls new heritage building. #collegelife"
"Sagging your pants showing your drawers is cool, until you realize that your briefs are inside out. #backfire"
"Homecoming is not stag.....smh. Now I got to pretend to be interested in a chick to get a date"
"you know, i'd like a lot of women a lot more if they smelled either of beef jerky or gasoline."
"spent the night knocking on girls' doors asking them how to make brownies from a mix. #sosinglerighthere"
"i'm not a hipster, i'm actually European"
"Attention women: do not breast feed your children at football games. Use
the bathroom or something. Don't feed your kid in the stands."
"just got nimmered. #holla"
"I can't just show up at her dorm and say 'let's go hot tub'"
"fetch yeah you can"
"sounds produced by am individual are rarely perceived as annoying by
that individual" physics textbook explains why so many people sing.
"Jake, beauty is in the eye of the beholder"
"matt must have a pencil stuck in his eye."
"so matt's pseudo-girlfriend's FB default pic is with andrew.....#likeaboss"
"hey, i want to drop some dough on you sometime. Text me."
"there is an inverse relation between how old you are and how excited you
get about going to the bathroom. the older, the less excited. #fact"
"Pretty sure I've made up about 10 words for this paper. Prof said she wanted creativity. #takethat"
""so my bishop gave me advice on dating....he said it'd turn me into a dating machine!!" "so what are you doing friday?" "no." #iamachamp"
"i really hope the girls on the 4th floor of the new heritage building don't compare notes.........."
"Walk into physics and prof. Is showing Rebecca blacks "Friday" almost walked out and shot a bunny. So hard not to skip class. #friday"
"On my geology hike today I had a real treat.Got to listen to a bunch
ofdifferent girls compare ways they got two guysjake and jacobs numbers" -Mckenna
"#textoftheday- "i'd rather cuddle with jacob than with you." -Jake Harmer. #nohomo. just telling it how it is."
"doing my bowings for symph. good thing my section leader was drunk when
she scanned the music into the PDF. half the music is missing."
"one page of http://iwastesomuchtime.com. hold me to that." -Andrew. #Famouslastwords
"putting pics of yourself on chick's door: fun. asking girl out: fun. currently dreading the date. something wrong with me?"
"the day is not complete without a "you're weird" text from sharissa"
"caleb's xbox live subscription expired so he has moved the device into
his room (xbox no longer in kitchen). finally. this is a good day"
"Feelings make you weak. Havent you ever seen star wars?"
"Hugging the TA will not make your exam score higher you dipwad"
"First morning i've woken up this semester and the apt. hasn't reeked of
human flatulence. I've got the feeling next term will be awesome."
4/28/2012
New Roommates.
"Wearing cologne and mosquito repellent function on the same principle: if you're around enough people who are wearing it, then you don't need to. "
Sometimes i come up with inspirational quotes like that. get. at. me.
My mother (of all people) gave me a brilliant idea that is now being materialized in this post. Since i'm writing for my college friends now (i might block my parents from my blog), I'm going to post on my new roommates, or (for lack of a better qualifier) my family so that when i reference something that someone did or said, y'all get an idea of who they are.
Dad- My dad is uh.....my dad i guess. He runs his own law practice (he's a doctor) that i'm working at until i go on my mission. I'm kind of this secretaryish thing. I get to mail lots of letters so i have this super-awesome callous on my tongue now from my efforts this week. hot. I guess i should mention here that my dad shares office space with two other attorneys, one of whom is named Frank (his name has been changed to protect identity). For those of you who are loyal enough to follow me on twitter, you may have seen quotes from him this week.....that's because he's essentially the complete stereotypical trial lawyer. don't get me wrong, he's a really good guy, but sometimes his language and temper both fly off the handle (he's called the cops on a couple clients.....). he's a great guy though. makes me laugh every time i'm in to work.
Mom- My mom is kind of a clone of my grandmother. she's pretty awesome. she likes to sew and was recently (this year) released as the ward young women's president....which means for a very short period of time she didn't really know what to do with her life, so now she's back at community college with all the potheads from my graduating class. I'm pretty sure her return to college to finish her degree (she left BYU at 19 with my father after they got married. it was a different time) is owed in part to me, because i told her specifically before i left that she would no longer be able to give me life advice after my freshman year of college because that's all the postsecondary schooling she'd ever received. when i get back from turkey, she'll be close to done with her degree. touche mother. touche.
Josh- Josh actually doesn't live at home. He's my older brother who got back from his mission to alaska in november. Some of you may have met him while i was at school because he came down to visit a couple times. I do remember the one weekend i went up to idaho to visit him was the most boring weekend of everyone's lives down in provo. i'm just that great. We're pretty tight. so since he's not home, not much will be mentioned here i guess.
Joseph- Joseph is 16 and throws shot for the high school track team. he's a big, muscled guy. I'm yet to let him drive me around in our family minivan, even though he asks me to every time we get in the car together. In the past we've bashed heads a bit, but now we get along fine. he weighs a lot more than i do and would probably crush me in a wrestling match (not really though), but i take pride in the fact that my weight is all muscle.
Jess- He skips school, runs out of church, and listens to justin beiber. he's an interesting one. he says lots of goofy stuff and undertakes "projects" that usually end up with lots of crap strewn over our garage i guess. We almost started him an e-trade account so that he could be occupied.
whatever. it's late and i'm going to bed.
Sometimes i come up with inspirational quotes like that. get. at. me.
My mother (of all people) gave me a brilliant idea that is now being materialized in this post. Since i'm writing for my college friends now (i might block my parents from my blog), I'm going to post on my new roommates, or (for lack of a better qualifier) my family so that when i reference something that someone did or said, y'all get an idea of who they are.
Dad- My dad is uh.....my dad i guess. He runs his own law practice (he's a doctor) that i'm working at until i go on my mission. I'm kind of this secretaryish thing. I get to mail lots of letters so i have this super-awesome callous on my tongue now from my efforts this week. hot. I guess i should mention here that my dad shares office space with two other attorneys, one of whom is named Frank (his name has been changed to protect identity). For those of you who are loyal enough to follow me on twitter, you may have seen quotes from him this week.....that's because he's essentially the complete stereotypical trial lawyer. don't get me wrong, he's a really good guy, but sometimes his language and temper both fly off the handle (he's called the cops on a couple clients.....). he's a great guy though. makes me laugh every time i'm in to work.
Mom- My mom is kind of a clone of my grandmother. she's pretty awesome. she likes to sew and was recently (this year) released as the ward young women's president....which means for a very short period of time she didn't really know what to do with her life, so now she's back at community college with all the potheads from my graduating class. I'm pretty sure her return to college to finish her degree (she left BYU at 19 with my father after they got married. it was a different time) is owed in part to me, because i told her specifically before i left that she would no longer be able to give me life advice after my freshman year of college because that's all the postsecondary schooling she'd ever received. when i get back from turkey, she'll be close to done with her degree. touche mother. touche.
Josh- Josh actually doesn't live at home. He's my older brother who got back from his mission to alaska in november. Some of you may have met him while i was at school because he came down to visit a couple times. I do remember the one weekend i went up to idaho to visit him was the most boring weekend of everyone's lives down in provo. i'm just that great. We're pretty tight. so since he's not home, not much will be mentioned here i guess.
Joseph- Joseph is 16 and throws shot for the high school track team. he's a big, muscled guy. I'm yet to let him drive me around in our family minivan, even though he asks me to every time we get in the car together. In the past we've bashed heads a bit, but now we get along fine. he weighs a lot more than i do and would probably crush me in a wrestling match (not really though), but i take pride in the fact that my weight is all muscle.
Jess- He skips school, runs out of church, and listens to justin beiber. he's an interesting one. he says lots of goofy stuff and undertakes "projects" that usually end up with lots of crap strewn over our garage i guess. We almost started him an e-trade account so that he could be occupied.
whatever. it's late and i'm going to bed.
4/27/2012
Back At the Beach
I had an interesting realization tonight about my blog.
In essence, i started my blog last july (ish) because some of my friends told me i was a mildly funny writer, and because i figured it'd be a good way to keep my parents off my butt while i was at college if i occasionally wrote a post about what i was doing. what didn't come to mind was the fact that i'd enjoy this way more than anticipated, so now i kind of blog like, all the time! LOL. SMILEY FACE :).
anywho, i decided that now that i'm home my audience has shifted from my parents reading about what i do at college to my college friends reading about what i do when i live with my parents. Countless hordes of cougars have begged on bended knee not only for my hand in marriage but also for a blog post. more the latter. let's not be too sketchy here.
I could saturate this post with the final moments of my freshman year of college, but i feel like my twitter has done that many times over in 140 characters or less. i've decided instead of dedicating long-winded paragraphs to my friends from freshman year, all of you hoping for a shoutout will just get a couple sentences, then we'll all get on with life.
Andrew- You're the best, don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise, and i wish i could go to germany with you, but turkey needs me. We will see each other again! Couldn't have asked for a better roommate!
Sharissa- Thanks for cooking for me, i really hope your "master plan" works out. you lucked out with whitley as a roomie.
Brandon-Fall semester you seemed like the antithesis of cool, but then you moved in and i got to know you better. Thanks for taking me to the gym and looking puny while i crush it there. try not to let any women talk to you after 10 pm, just to be safe. I miss you in a very non platonic way. good luck in africa. I guess i should talk about that chick you think you're going to marry here, but i'll resist the temptation.
Alyssa- my parents thought/think we're dating, and the more i stress to them we're not, the more they think we are. sorry babe, but you're just not my type. </3 good luck with Mat though. wait for him.
Mckenna-Thanks for all the haircuts, even though my head was a bit uneven and my hair grew weird. it's the way God made me. I'm glad you're sarcastic and can understand my humor, because most women i just have to laugh at.
Kevin- I never want to forget your two most inspirational sayings- "is she fat?" and "well....she was about a 4 out of 10."
Hannah-you probably won't read this, but you're such a great friend! thanks for deciding to come to orientation so we could be buddies in writing and american heritage, even though i was paying very close attention during all the lectures.
Jake-you rock man! good luck in Brazil. Counting on you to kick satan's butt. we've done some stuff i don't regret and some stuff i should regret but still don't. stay beautiful princess. it's more of a lust thing.
Becca- I'm not sure whether i should give you a backhanded compliment here or outright mock you, so i'll leave a big blank and you can choose. _______________________________________.
now that my touchy-feely feelings inventory is over, i'm going to share a bit about VA beach.
Life here is slightly different. there are more trees. the light switches are not high enough off the ground. little things. I've been working for my dad, which i'll probably blog about later, but tonight i had an experience i just want to archive in the annals of my internet diary that i let everyone read!
So there's this girl who used to live in my ward who is getting married saturday. the whole deal is going to be a major production. the royal wedding. so far for me though, it's been a royal pain up the butt and here's why:
I semi-volunteered to help set up some decorations for the reception earlier last night. long story short, after about 2 hours of work i found myself in the gym with a bishopric member hanging christmas lights from hula hoops hoping he wouldn't fall off the 30 foot ladder he was perched atop of with his nail gun because it'd be awkward to explain to his wife. The guy is a handyman, and we were putting up this inordinately designed network of christmas lights from the ceiling for the reception. it was a bit frustrating. all i'm saying is that i'm either never getting married, eloping, or dying on my mission because weddings are just no fun for anyone. ANYONE. except maybe for me when i show up 23 minutes late to make my in laws sweat.
In essence, i started my blog last july (ish) because some of my friends told me i was a mildly funny writer, and because i figured it'd be a good way to keep my parents off my butt while i was at college if i occasionally wrote a post about what i was doing. what didn't come to mind was the fact that i'd enjoy this way more than anticipated, so now i kind of blog like, all the time! LOL. SMILEY FACE :).
anywho, i decided that now that i'm home my audience has shifted from my parents reading about what i do at college to my college friends reading about what i do when i live with my parents. Countless hordes of cougars have begged on bended knee not only for my hand in marriage but also for a blog post. more the latter. let's not be too sketchy here.
I could saturate this post with the final moments of my freshman year of college, but i feel like my twitter has done that many times over in 140 characters or less. i've decided instead of dedicating long-winded paragraphs to my friends from freshman year, all of you hoping for a shoutout will just get a couple sentences, then we'll all get on with life.
Andrew- You're the best, don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise, and i wish i could go to germany with you, but turkey needs me. We will see each other again! Couldn't have asked for a better roommate!
Sharissa- Thanks for cooking for me, i really hope your "master plan" works out. you lucked out with whitley as a roomie.
Brandon-Fall semester you seemed like the antithesis of cool, but then you moved in and i got to know you better. Thanks for taking me to the gym and looking puny while i crush it there. try not to let any women talk to you after 10 pm, just to be safe. I miss you in a very non platonic way. good luck in africa. I guess i should talk about that chick you think you're going to marry here, but i'll resist the temptation.
Alyssa- my parents thought/think we're dating, and the more i stress to them we're not, the more they think we are. sorry babe, but you're just not my type. </3 good luck with Mat though. wait for him.
Mckenna-Thanks for all the haircuts, even though my head was a bit uneven and my hair grew weird. it's the way God made me. I'm glad you're sarcastic and can understand my humor, because most women i just have to laugh at.
Kevin- I never want to forget your two most inspirational sayings- "is she fat?" and "well....she was about a 4 out of 10."
Hannah-you probably won't read this, but you're such a great friend! thanks for deciding to come to orientation so we could be buddies in writing and american heritage, even though i was paying very close attention during all the lectures.
Jake-you rock man! good luck in Brazil. Counting on you to kick satan's butt. we've done some stuff i don't regret and some stuff i should regret but still don't. stay beautiful princess. it's more of a lust thing.
Becca- I'm not sure whether i should give you a backhanded compliment here or outright mock you, so i'll leave a big blank and you can choose. _______________________________________.
now that my touchy-feely feelings inventory is over, i'm going to share a bit about VA beach.
Life here is slightly different. there are more trees. the light switches are not high enough off the ground. little things. I've been working for my dad, which i'll probably blog about later, but tonight i had an experience i just want to archive in the annals of my internet diary that i let everyone read!
So there's this girl who used to live in my ward who is getting married saturday. the whole deal is going to be a major production. the royal wedding. so far for me though, it's been a royal pain up the butt and here's why:
I semi-volunteered to help set up some decorations for the reception earlier last night. long story short, after about 2 hours of work i found myself in the gym with a bishopric member hanging christmas lights from hula hoops hoping he wouldn't fall off the 30 foot ladder he was perched atop of with his nail gun because it'd be awkward to explain to his wife. The guy is a handyman, and we were putting up this inordinately designed network of christmas lights from the ceiling for the reception. it was a bit frustrating. all i'm saying is that i'm either never getting married, eloping, or dying on my mission because weddings are just no fun for anyone. ANYONE. except maybe for me when i show up 23 minutes late to make my in laws sweat.
4/06/2012
Called to Serve
For all who have been living under a rock for the past 8 days, I have received my mission call to serve the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints for the next two years of my life to the Bulgaria Sofia Mission. and guess what? i'm not speaking bulgarian. or french (it was a long shot). I'm speaking TURKISH for crying out loud! it's going to be awesome! definitely counting down the days until i'm over on the other side of the world. after the initial shock wore off, i realized that my mission covers both bulgaria AND turkey in their entirety! Turkey opened for missionary work in like.........FEBRUARY OF THIS YEAR! insane! I'm thinking that since i'll be speaking turkish i'll be there quite a bit, but who knows?
It seems that pretty much everyone i know has either met someone who lives in turkey or been there themselves. i guess i represent the .0001% of the world that has NOT been to turkey yet. definitely going to change within the next year. Jake bought me a turkish Book of Mormon for my birthday, and i can't read a word of it. it also looks nothing like anything i've ever seen before. everyone, self included, thought i'd definitely serve my mission in Utah, but we were all just a little bit wrong.
anyway, I'm way excited to have my call! wouldn't want to spend the next 2 years of my life ANY OTHER WAY. turkey is 99.8% Muslim, so the proverbial field is "white and ready to harvest." Game time.
here's the video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tc7XZHV8oKk&feature=player_embedded
It seems that pretty much everyone i know has either met someone who lives in turkey or been there themselves. i guess i represent the .0001% of the world that has NOT been to turkey yet. definitely going to change within the next year. Jake bought me a turkish Book of Mormon for my birthday, and i can't read a word of it. it also looks nothing like anything i've ever seen before. everyone, self included, thought i'd definitely serve my mission in Utah, but we were all just a little bit wrong.
anyway, I'm way excited to have my call! wouldn't want to spend the next 2 years of my life ANY OTHER WAY. turkey is 99.8% Muslim, so the proverbial field is "white and ready to harvest." Game time.
here's the video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tc7XZHV8oKk&feature=player_embedded
Chronicle
it being a thursday night in provo with nothing to do, Jake and i decided to hit the dollar theater for a movie. jake was accompanied by his girlish friend, and i rolled solo tonight. usually, when we go to a dollar movie, jake brings his special friend and i text every girl in my phone and offer them a free movie in order to avoid playing the ever-increasing role of 3rd wheel at the movies. I don't mind, but it's nice to have someone to talk to while jake is.............otherwise occupied.
Tonight's movie was the 2012 spectacular called Chronicle. It reeled in an astounding 85% on rotten tomatoes, and, as far as the east side of the 2nd floor of my hall is concerned, that about warrants an academy award. It did say online that there was a sequence of "teen drinking," so it was a long shot getting jake to go. should've been a good movie, right?
WRONG.
for starters, it was filmed in a very cloverfield-esque style. this means that the entire movie is seen from the lens of a handheld camera. artistic? sure. give me a headache? definitely. did people leave the theatre? YES. having the dollar theater sound system coupled with what looks like a 4-year old's cinematography does nothing good for the film. i get the feeling when a video production company runs out of money they start selling stuff (like camera tripods) to make ends meet, then you get this lovely artsy parkinsons hipster footage that you have to suffer through until either the theater implodes from a lack of quality or the movie ends.
Don't get me wrong, i freakin LOVE the dollar theater. it's the only way i see movies now. i'm way too budget-conscious (or pretend to be) to pay like 9 bucks for a movie, 18 if i take a girl. I just sit and wait for it to hit the dollar theater so going to the movies doesn't have to be some big, expensive, sacrifice-a-couple-meals-for-a-girl kind of event. sure the sound system is crappy, the screens are small, and the overall vibe is one of "are you 18?," but man, i don't feel a smidgeon of guilt talking and texting all the way through a bad movie. If people get mad at me i'm just like "what, am i wasting your money? you paid a freakin' dollar for this! Honey Badger take what it want!" You do kind of have to be careful with where you sit in the dollar theater. just throwing that out there.
mediocrity of visual effects and cinematography aside, the molasses-paced plot and script were about the worst thing i've heard since the guttural screams of that live walrus we chucked in the deep-fat frier. it sounded like a good idea at the time. the movie moved so slow i thought it might be going backwards. it's pretty much about these three guys who touch a magic rock that gives them telekinetic powers. one of the kids turns out to be an emo freak with no friends, so he naturally abuses his powers and kills people and stuff. there's no real conflict, other than emo boy (whose videocamera we see about 98% of the movie from) going crazy and wanting to destroy the world. yeah. in essence, the entire movie was described by the word that was said the most during it.....a word i will not say here because there are preschool toys present. I'm not one who gets offended by poor language, i just think it's poor. makes people look like complete idiots, especially when your "snappy script" (rotten tomatoes) can't go more than 12 seconds without dropping some curse bomb. The final battle scene involved two of the three guys duking it out through some city that i think is in washington state......seattle possibly? kevin would know. anyhow, i feel like the screenwriter just copy-pasted the dialog from the obi-wan kenobi anakin skywalker fight scene into his movie. It would seem that a half-dead bleeding sack of teenager screaming "YOU UNDERESTIMATE MY POWERS" at his best friend turned arch-nemesis never gets old. never.
the good thing about chronicle is that it is one short movie. It was 90 minutes long, tops. small miracles like that make this world worth living in.
Tonight's movie was the 2012 spectacular called Chronicle. It reeled in an astounding 85% on rotten tomatoes, and, as far as the east side of the 2nd floor of my hall is concerned, that about warrants an academy award. It did say online that there was a sequence of "teen drinking," so it was a long shot getting jake to go. should've been a good movie, right?
WRONG.
for starters, it was filmed in a very cloverfield-esque style. this means that the entire movie is seen from the lens of a handheld camera. artistic? sure. give me a headache? definitely. did people leave the theatre? YES. having the dollar theater sound system coupled with what looks like a 4-year old's cinematography does nothing good for the film. i get the feeling when a video production company runs out of money they start selling stuff (like camera tripods) to make ends meet, then you get this lovely artsy parkinsons hipster footage that you have to suffer through until either the theater implodes from a lack of quality or the movie ends.
Don't get me wrong, i freakin LOVE the dollar theater. it's the only way i see movies now. i'm way too budget-conscious (or pretend to be) to pay like 9 bucks for a movie, 18 if i take a girl. I just sit and wait for it to hit the dollar theater so going to the movies doesn't have to be some big, expensive, sacrifice-a-couple-meals-for-a-girl kind of event. sure the sound system is crappy, the screens are small, and the overall vibe is one of "are you 18?," but man, i don't feel a smidgeon of guilt talking and texting all the way through a bad movie. If people get mad at me i'm just like "what, am i wasting your money? you paid a freakin' dollar for this! Honey Badger take what it want!" You do kind of have to be careful with where you sit in the dollar theater. just throwing that out there.
mediocrity of visual effects and cinematography aside, the molasses-paced plot and script were about the worst thing i've heard since the guttural screams of that live walrus we chucked in the deep-fat frier. it sounded like a good idea at the time. the movie moved so slow i thought it might be going backwards. it's pretty much about these three guys who touch a magic rock that gives them telekinetic powers. one of the kids turns out to be an emo freak with no friends, so he naturally abuses his powers and kills people and stuff. there's no real conflict, other than emo boy (whose videocamera we see about 98% of the movie from) going crazy and wanting to destroy the world. yeah. in essence, the entire movie was described by the word that was said the most during it.....a word i will not say here because there are preschool toys present. I'm not one who gets offended by poor language, i just think it's poor. makes people look like complete idiots, especially when your "snappy script" (rotten tomatoes) can't go more than 12 seconds without dropping some curse bomb. The final battle scene involved two of the three guys duking it out through some city that i think is in washington state......seattle possibly? kevin would know. anyhow, i feel like the screenwriter just copy-pasted the dialog from the obi-wan kenobi anakin skywalker fight scene into his movie. It would seem that a half-dead bleeding sack of teenager screaming "YOU UNDERESTIMATE MY POWERS" at his best friend turned arch-nemesis never gets old. never.
the good thing about chronicle is that it is one short movie. It was 90 minutes long, tops. small miracles like that make this world worth living in.
3/15/2012
Bracketologism
It's march.
March=basketball Madness.
March Madness=this
March Madness means BYU makes a 25 point comeback to win their play in game against Iona. The pic is of my man Brock Zylstra just after he made the shot to give the cougs the lead in the final minutes of the game. that is hype right there. Zylstra has on and off days, but last night he made the play when it counted. I don't think BYU's going to make it all the way to the final four, or even the second round for that matter, but it'd be nice if they did. It's a good thing BYU won their game because our intramural team got worked. Jake's Woman-friend Hannah was kind enough to fudge my foul count so i kind of finished the game out with 6 fouls. Maybe she's a bit cooler than i let on.
We've all filled out brackets in the apartment, and andrew has turned our kitchen wall into an enormous bracket so that we can keep track of the tourney.
A couple Pointers before you finalize your bracket at noon today.
1) pick wins based on which university's name sounds cooler. For me, Vanderbilt always goes far. it just sounds manly.
2) Pick wins based on where you live. VCU is my national champion. Don't quite know how it worked out, but it did.
3) Disregard anything a sportscaster says. Sportscasters are nothing more than glorified high school jocks who blew their knees out......then learned how to talk and got on tv.
4) To pick the perfect bracket, picking a team that is statistically worse gives you a greater chance of winning, because the odds are so astronomically small that your bracket will predict the outcome of every game exactly right, so picking a team with a tiny chance of winning actually seems to give a higher probability of winning right?
5) in the event of a hard pick for a win, flip a coin. works great on tests.
I don't think i'm going on a date or hanging out with anyone for the rest of the month. NOTHING compares to college basketball. Sure, the NBA is fun and all, but they're playing for all the wrong reasons. College ball=limited time, teams change every year.
This is funny though:
He'll also look for someone to pass to to take the game winning shot. Yo man, I heard You like lebron, so we took the clutch out of your car.
Don't get me wrong, lebron's an incredible athlete, but The heat seriously need to get their act together. No wonder Chris Bosh looks pissed all the time. I saw part of the game tonight and was like "why does that man look like he's about to kill his mother?" now i know. He's got to play with lebron and D. Wade. it's that simple. King james' hype has exceeded his ability. somthign like that. i could go on.
March=basketball Madness.
March Madness=this
We've all filled out brackets in the apartment, and andrew has turned our kitchen wall into an enormous bracket so that we can keep track of the tourney.
A couple Pointers before you finalize your bracket at noon today.
1) pick wins based on which university's name sounds cooler. For me, Vanderbilt always goes far. it just sounds manly.
2) Pick wins based on where you live. VCU is my national champion. Don't quite know how it worked out, but it did.
3) Disregard anything a sportscaster says. Sportscasters are nothing more than glorified high school jocks who blew their knees out......then learned how to talk and got on tv.
4) To pick the perfect bracket, picking a team that is statistically worse gives you a greater chance of winning, because the odds are so astronomically small that your bracket will predict the outcome of every game exactly right, so picking a team with a tiny chance of winning actually seems to give a higher probability of winning right?
5) in the event of a hard pick for a win, flip a coin. works great on tests.
I don't think i'm going on a date or hanging out with anyone for the rest of the month. NOTHING compares to college basketball. Sure, the NBA is fun and all, but they're playing for all the wrong reasons. College ball=limited time, teams change every year.
This is funny though:
Don't get me wrong, lebron's an incredible athlete, but The heat seriously need to get their act together. No wonder Chris Bosh looks pissed all the time. I saw part of the game tonight and was like "why does that man look like he's about to kill his mother?" now i know. He's got to play with lebron and D. Wade. it's that simple. King james' hype has exceeded his ability. somthign like that. i could go on.
Idaho
Back By popular demand.
Here's a life update for the past week or so.
I took a trip up to idaho last weekend to see my brother who is currently attending BYUI. Up there, they like to say that BYU is "the church's school" and that BYUI is "the Lord's university." what's really excellent is how humble they are about it. Every time i introduced myself and said i went to BYU i'd get some elitist remark like "oh, you can still repent" or "oh, well that's a good school too...." to which i would always counter (in my mind because i was greatly outnumbered and did not want to violate my brother's hospitality by waging war on the clueless BYU-Idahoans) with solid, legit arguments like "where are your Division I Athletics?" or "I saw Rameumptoms are 20% off in the bookstore....you should go pick one up." It's all moot though, because both universities have their ups and downs. Like BYU provo has the basketball team that just made the biggest comeback in (what?) NCAA HISTORY. yeah who would want that?
Since i don't have a car, I had to consult the rideboard to find my way up to idaho. the rideboard is this magical device that people put slips of paper into saying where they're going and how many seats in their car they have so people can ride with them for a small fee. I got to ride with 4 other people in this sedan that i'm sure would have been roomy to a family of Australopitheci. Sadly I'm a 6'2 incredibly bulky, large, white man, so i had to cram into the back like a sardine with two chicks i did not know. One was a pre-photography major that lived in heleman. no respect. none.
The car ride up wasn't that bad. It was relatively quick and painless. we listened to The Alchemist most of the way up, and it's a pretty solid book.
When i hit rexburg, josh and i made some potatoes and BBQ chicken. it was a solid meal. We then went to this music service type thing that this guy had written especially for BYUI. It was pretty much like the Book of Mormon musical, but a bit more reverent and actually condoned by the church. I got to meet Josh's girlfriend (who shall remain nameless), and i think i'm safe writing about her because they've thrown caution to the wind and gone all facebook official. look out children. She's cool and nice but from utah.
After the musical, We went and watched a women's intramural basketball game. yes. women's basketball. For the record, the only womens sport worth watching is BYU women's soccer, and not just because i tried to date one of the players. Anyhow, Josh set it up so my bros mitch aldridge and warren crowley from Richmond would be at the game! They'd been in my efy group when i was like 16, and i'd been in their ward when i was in preschool. Small mormon world. We then hit josh's apartment and started watching rabbi jacob (for the second time in less than 36 hours for me). I slept on the 3-inches-too-short for me couch that night, which meant that i had to stay up with his roommates until like 3 AM watching The Gods Must Be Crazy before i could fall asleep. major win.
Saturday i slept in, hung out, half-cleaned josh's kitchen, then went OUT ON THE TOWN BABY. Josh and i ate out at a fancy resturant (jack-in-the-box), which made us really gassy for the remainder of the evening. we then attended the "Mad Flow Hip-Hop Show." that's right. MAD FLOW. we were under the impression that it was a hip-hop dance concert, but it was actually aspiring rappers of the rexburg area's remixes of rap songs they thought nobody would know so that they seemed original. problem with that is that i come from the HOOD and called the first guy out for rapping over a kareoke version of birdman and lil' wayne's song "Fire Flame." yeah you don't mess with me. The concert was pretty good considering everyone was white and 3 or 4 guys forgot their raps (freestyle it man!) and i wanted to shoot the guy running the soundboard, but i guess that's my curse. We all got to live with something. After the show we hit the apt. and watched muppets from space. classic movie right there.
Sunday morn found me up early to head to the ward indexing event with Josh. Not saying anything, but when we index in P town, there is Pizza there every time. and bodacious looking women. just saying. We then watched the ACC tourney, then went to church. we skipped out a bit early to skype the parentals, and before i knew it, i was back in the tiny little sedan on my way back to provo. This time though, the ride was an utter trip to hades with no return. about 10 minutes in, the driver's wife throws the audiobook for Stephanie Meyer's "The Host" in. My ipod was out of battery, so i was forced to try to ignore the reader's monotonous voice and Meyer's gluttonously uninteresting fingerpainting-like prose and text all my friends for help. The next five hours of my life were utter horror. if any of my children show even the most remote interest in stephanie meyer's work, I will be dropping them by the fire station with a note that says "take care, but not too much because this one has terrible taste."
When I hit Provo, I was about to rip someone's hair out and set them on fire, so you can imagine how i felt when i walked into sweet old 188 and the ENTIRE PLACE WAS COVERED WITH GLITTER. There is now glitter everywhere. I trail it everywhere i go, it's in my bed, in my shoes, in my clothes. not even my underwear is safe. I look like edward freaking cullen/a gay fairy. same thing, really.
Here's a life update for the past week or so.
I took a trip up to idaho last weekend to see my brother who is currently attending BYUI. Up there, they like to say that BYU is "the church's school" and that BYUI is "the Lord's university." what's really excellent is how humble they are about it. Every time i introduced myself and said i went to BYU i'd get some elitist remark like "oh, you can still repent" or "oh, well that's a good school too...." to which i would always counter (in my mind because i was greatly outnumbered and did not want to violate my brother's hospitality by waging war on the clueless BYU-Idahoans) with solid, legit arguments like "where are your Division I Athletics?" or "I saw Rameumptoms are 20% off in the bookstore....you should go pick one up." It's all moot though, because both universities have their ups and downs. Like BYU provo has the basketball team that just made the biggest comeback in (what?) NCAA HISTORY. yeah who would want that?
Since i don't have a car, I had to consult the rideboard to find my way up to idaho. the rideboard is this magical device that people put slips of paper into saying where they're going and how many seats in their car they have so people can ride with them for a small fee. I got to ride with 4 other people in this sedan that i'm sure would have been roomy to a family of Australopitheci. Sadly I'm a 6'2 incredibly bulky, large, white man, so i had to cram into the back like a sardine with two chicks i did not know. One was a pre-photography major that lived in heleman. no respect. none.
The car ride up wasn't that bad. It was relatively quick and painless. we listened to The Alchemist most of the way up, and it's a pretty solid book.
When i hit rexburg, josh and i made some potatoes and BBQ chicken. it was a solid meal. We then went to this music service type thing that this guy had written especially for BYUI. It was pretty much like the Book of Mormon musical, but a bit more reverent and actually condoned by the church. I got to meet Josh's girlfriend (who shall remain nameless), and i think i'm safe writing about her because they've thrown caution to the wind and gone all facebook official. look out children. She's cool and nice but from utah.
After the musical, We went and watched a women's intramural basketball game. yes. women's basketball. For the record, the only womens sport worth watching is BYU women's soccer, and not just because i tried to date one of the players. Anyhow, Josh set it up so my bros mitch aldridge and warren crowley from Richmond would be at the game! They'd been in my efy group when i was like 16, and i'd been in their ward when i was in preschool. Small mormon world. We then hit josh's apartment and started watching rabbi jacob (for the second time in less than 36 hours for me). I slept on the 3-inches-too-short for me couch that night, which meant that i had to stay up with his roommates until like 3 AM watching The Gods Must Be Crazy before i could fall asleep. major win.
Saturday i slept in, hung out, half-cleaned josh's kitchen, then went OUT ON THE TOWN BABY. Josh and i ate out at a fancy resturant (jack-in-the-box), which made us really gassy for the remainder of the evening. we then attended the "Mad Flow Hip-Hop Show." that's right. MAD FLOW. we were under the impression that it was a hip-hop dance concert, but it was actually aspiring rappers of the rexburg area's remixes of rap songs they thought nobody would know so that they seemed original. problem with that is that i come from the HOOD and called the first guy out for rapping over a kareoke version of birdman and lil' wayne's song "Fire Flame." yeah you don't mess with me. The concert was pretty good considering everyone was white and 3 or 4 guys forgot their raps (freestyle it man!) and i wanted to shoot the guy running the soundboard, but i guess that's my curse. We all got to live with something. After the show we hit the apt. and watched muppets from space. classic movie right there.
Sunday morn found me up early to head to the ward indexing event with Josh. Not saying anything, but when we index in P town, there is Pizza there every time. and bodacious looking women. just saying. We then watched the ACC tourney, then went to church. we skipped out a bit early to skype the parentals, and before i knew it, i was back in the tiny little sedan on my way back to provo. This time though, the ride was an utter trip to hades with no return. about 10 minutes in, the driver's wife throws the audiobook for Stephanie Meyer's "The Host" in. My ipod was out of battery, so i was forced to try to ignore the reader's monotonous voice and Meyer's gluttonously uninteresting fingerpainting-like prose and text all my friends for help. The next five hours of my life were utter horror. if any of my children show even the most remote interest in stephanie meyer's work, I will be dropping them by the fire station with a note that says "take care, but not too much because this one has terrible taste."
When I hit Provo, I was about to rip someone's hair out and set them on fire, so you can imagine how i felt when i walked into sweet old 188 and the ENTIRE PLACE WAS COVERED WITH GLITTER. There is now glitter everywhere. I trail it everywhere i go, it's in my bed, in my shoes, in my clothes. not even my underwear is safe. I look like edward freaking cullen/a gay fairy. same thing, really.
3/07/2012
More For Laura.
From The Desk Of Jacob "Demon" Ankney
March 7th, 2012
1:12 AM
Dear Laura,
Thanks for making your blog private. I know it's scary how much you've written about me over the past 24 hours, but i really like reading about myself. Me being excluded from your blog can only mean that you have expressed your true love for me in an extremely juicy, detailed, saucy, long-winded, yet highly appropriate post. Please allow me to read your blog again so i can copy-paste said post into our marriage scrapbook that i'm currently compiling (roommate snores).
Love and Rainbow Unicorns of Happiness From,
Jacob Ankney
3/05/2012
For Laura
From someone who doesn't know but will pretend they do:
Dear Laura,
I saw your distressed blog post about your man problems (read to get background) the other day and have decided to counsel you on actions you should take against attacks on your heart by foreigners. here's some advice/how to lose a guy.
1) date me- it could happen.
2) The best piece of dating advice i have heard in my life to this day came from a dating fireside i attended when i was 13 years old. Admittedly, i was only in the early stages of pubescence, so being a ladykiller wasn't exactly what was on my mind. The format was a bunch of recently married students that made up a board to field all the single laurels' questions about dating. needless to say, I wasn't paying much attention, until one of the guys answered the question "how do you let a guy down softly?" as follows:
The bottom line is, much as i have always anticipated spooning someone to death (never had the opportunity), you'll only hurt the guy more by attempting to be tactful. wow i sound like oprah here. let him know he has crazy B.O., that you don't dig his yu-ghi-oh card collection, that you cringe everytime he smiles at you, etc. if you feel bad about telling the truth, start telling lies and make a game of it, it's actually really fun. think in an "eternal" perspective. can you see yourself springing off the couch every night from america's next top model to greet him at the door? Make it a game. have fun.
3) "tactful rejection" as you so call it, does not exist. Be ruthless. Destroy them. Crush their hearts. Hopefully they will have to refer to you as "The Laura" in the future because you instill terror in the hearts of men. Kind of said this earlier, but it's good to review.
4) With regards to a guy "catching you off guard," don't let them. Always be on your guard. or just answer "no" to everything. pretend you're playing a game of assassin and if you lose you end up marrying a potato or something. idk. Like i was told day in and day out during my seminary years, make your desicion before the situation arises. if someone offered you a marijuana cigarette would you have to think about saying no? the same applies here.
5) Pretend you're dating someone else. he doesn't have to exist, but the larger the web of lies you spin the better.
6) pretend (or don't) you're going on a mission. this may actually make guys more desperate to date you, because no guy likes nothing more than a challenge. plus it'd be a major ego inflater for him if y'all ended up married. "yeah she was going to serve a mission but married me instead. who would have thought my delicious-looking abs could have done that?" 'nuff said.
7) look unavailable. become a recluse. wear lots of eyeliner. draw tears on your face with it. flirt with other men blatantly in their faces. intentionally forget their names. listen to country music around them. anything you can do to annihilate their self-esteem. it's a thing i used to do to the YWs in my ward back home.
8) hate dancing. then all your dancer problems will vanish. don't say "i don't know how to dance," because that will only encourage a man to take you dancing, because how cute is it that he taught you to dance? ew.
if you're trying to remain friends with the said "ethnic dancers," probably none of the above will work, but it is my firm belief that strictly platonic relationships between men and women don't exist. especially if said men are RMs (unless you're my brother, he can do what he wants).
yeah. dating advice from Dr. Ankney. dig it.
hope it helps.
It may help a guy never talk to you again though, so keep that in mind.
Dear Laura,
I saw your distressed blog post about your man problems (read to get background) the other day and have decided to counsel you on actions you should take against attacks on your heart by foreigners. here's some advice/how to lose a guy.
1) date me- it could happen.
2) The best piece of dating advice i have heard in my life to this day came from a dating fireside i attended when i was 13 years old. Admittedly, i was only in the early stages of pubescence, so being a ladykiller wasn't exactly what was on my mind. The format was a bunch of recently married students that made up a board to field all the single laurels' questions about dating. needless to say, I wasn't paying much attention, until one of the guys answered the question "how do you let a guy down softly?" as follows:
"let them down softly? No such thing. Kill with the Knife, not with the spoon."
The bottom line is, much as i have always anticipated spooning someone to death (never had the opportunity), you'll only hurt the guy more by attempting to be tactful. wow i sound like oprah here. let him know he has crazy B.O., that you don't dig his yu-ghi-oh card collection, that you cringe everytime he smiles at you, etc. if you feel bad about telling the truth, start telling lies and make a game of it, it's actually really fun. think in an "eternal" perspective. can you see yourself springing off the couch every night from america's next top model to greet him at the door? Make it a game. have fun.
3) "tactful rejection" as you so call it, does not exist. Be ruthless. Destroy them. Crush their hearts. Hopefully they will have to refer to you as "The Laura" in the future because you instill terror in the hearts of men. Kind of said this earlier, but it's good to review.
4) With regards to a guy "catching you off guard," don't let them. Always be on your guard. or just answer "no" to everything. pretend you're playing a game of assassin and if you lose you end up marrying a potato or something. idk. Like i was told day in and day out during my seminary years, make your desicion before the situation arises. if someone offered you a marijuana cigarette would you have to think about saying no? the same applies here.
5) Pretend you're dating someone else. he doesn't have to exist, but the larger the web of lies you spin the better.
6) pretend (or don't) you're going on a mission. this may actually make guys more desperate to date you, because no guy likes nothing more than a challenge. plus it'd be a major ego inflater for him if y'all ended up married. "yeah she was going to serve a mission but married me instead. who would have thought my delicious-looking abs could have done that?" 'nuff said.
7) look unavailable. become a recluse. wear lots of eyeliner. draw tears on your face with it. flirt with other men blatantly in their faces. intentionally forget their names. listen to country music around them. anything you can do to annihilate their self-esteem. it's a thing i used to do to the YWs in my ward back home.
8) hate dancing. then all your dancer problems will vanish. don't say "i don't know how to dance," because that will only encourage a man to take you dancing, because how cute is it that he taught you to dance? ew.
if you're trying to remain friends with the said "ethnic dancers," probably none of the above will work, but it is my firm belief that strictly platonic relationships between men and women don't exist. especially if said men are RMs (unless you're my brother, he can do what he wants).
yeah. dating advice from Dr. Ankney. dig it.
hope it helps.
It may help a guy never talk to you again though, so keep that in mind.
2/26/2012
Brain Dump.
It seems like has been a long long time since i've hit the blog up.
it actually has been.
So here's a dump of what i've been doing for the past couple weeks.
Special treat today on my blog, you as the reader get not one, but TWO hilariously funny stories about my adventures with BYU freshman women. the first is one i like to call cookie girl. i believe i mentioned her on the blog a couple weeks ago, but here's the cliffsnotes version of the story: I frosted my phone number onto a cookie at a dance, somebody stole this girl's phone then called me from it, so i started texting her. she seemed pleasant enough, but whatever. Jake says i do this thing he likes to call "relationship suicide," meaning i get "this close/far (holds up fingers to about an inch apart)" with a girl, then pummel the situation into awkwardness and the don't-even-want-to-be-your-friend-zone. If anything, i can say it has saved me a lot of money over the past 6 months. women are expensive to begin with, but i kind of like to think of them like stray cats (metaphorically). if you keep feeding them, they'll keep coming back until you have no food left. should've been an english major right here. Anyway, cookie girl is beyond history. We (summers and myself) found out she lives right next to one of summers' good friends (what are the odds) so we decided to prank her (complete with bandit hats) on valentine's night. Long story short, we stole a bale of hay from another building and left it outside her door (we carried it down 3 flights of stairs and up another 3) with a nonsensical note made from words cut out of newspapers (to protect our identities). pics went up on her facebook, and a couple awkward text messages later she had unfriended myself as well as all of my roommates (even though none of us had ever met). didn't even give me a chance! haha. so yeah.used my classic closer on this one:
(757): I miss us :( </3
(801): I have a boyfriend (comment: pretty sure she was lying)
(757): that's what the last one said.....lolz
(757): so your boyfriend....is he big? is he strong? you like mike and ikes? is your boyfriend bringing you mike and ikes? girl the back of yo head is ridikulus!
Haven't heard from her since. Win. It's always sad when people from utah miss pop culture references because of the bubble that surrounds the state and more specifically provo, where cookie girl is from (strike 1 and 2), and i'm thinking she whiffed on the OBVIOUS Can I Have Yo Number? reference in that last text. Strike 3.
We'll close with the other story so that my post tonight may be bookended with women. lovely.
So last weekend was the Bro weekend. Josh came down from the great and spacious building in Idaho to visit me in nasty old P town for the 3 day vacation we both had. I'm pretty sure it's the last break i get until i'm done with finals, because BYU is too afraid that everyone will go get drunk and become pot dealers if given an entire week off for spring break. Friday night josh made it down for the BYU Cal Baptist volleyball game (we literally had to run down to get there on time) which went 5 games with BYU winning! it was some great volleyball. Josh had played volleyball in the MTC with one of the guys on the team, Fuchs, so we screamed at him. Josh also saw some guys he knew from his mission. small small mormon world. After the Volleyball game, we headed home for some dinner (lemon chicken with pasta, pretty much the only thing i can cook that isn't a pop tart), then went bowling. Josh's trainer, Sam works at the bowling alley in the basement of the wilk, so we got a free game! he's like the guy with all the sweet hookups. We bowled 3 rounds, with me winning the first, then losing the next two. as his score increased, mine steadily decreased. not cool. we hit my apartment at about 11:50 in the PM, and by 12:15 we were on our way to winco to do some grocery shopping. never a dull moment. I also think i should never drive after not driving for an extended period of time.
Saturday we slept in, ate french toast on the Killer Dave's bread, played basketball, then went to another volleyball game. after that, we ended up making Music Videos of us singing and dancing to various songs a la our cover of gold digger that came to pass on our roadtrip out to utah. I hope when my kids read this they don't judge their father and uncle too much.
Sunday we went to church and LEFT EARLY. Not trying to say i'm a saint, but i almost never leave church. I mean, i've got nothing better to do....literally. church is the best place to be. but we had to leave early to drive up for dinner in SLC with grandma. also kind of ran into my bishop on the way out....may or may not lead to some questions during the mission interview. As always, family dinner with Frances, Alvin, Kevin, Dawn, Kent, Aunt Kathleen, and all our cousins was interesting. They are fun people. Dinner was great and it was wonderful to visit with everyone and have a heated debate about how grandma isn't satisfied with her degree and the classes she had to take to get it then get drilled on why i should put orrin hatch posters up in my dorm.......I made the mistake of mentioning my roommate was a political science major. That opened a can of worms.
That night we went tunnel singing, which was rather fun. I like singing with Josh because he's a way better singer than me and can totally understand what i do when i start making stuff up. or gets by really well pretending. This is where we segue into the story about the second girl, but i'm going to skip it and finish up about josh. We were pretty beat after tunnel singing, so josh went to sleep. Woke the next morning early so he could get back to Idaho for school. good times. hopefully i'll be able to go up therefor a weekend soon, depending on whether bratsman does. we'll see.Josh should be heading down for my birthday weekend, which date shall be kept secret.
So monday after josh left I went up with jake, andrew, jake's lady friend (she has a twin so still not really sure on the name, i don't know how the guy does it) and one of jake's buds from high school to the nike outlet in park city. it has been affirmed to me that there is NOTHING IN UTAH. either the land is worthless and uncultivatable, or the people here just like wasting space. whatever. The nike outlet was pretty hardcore, but i didn't buy anything because more shirts=more laundry. I DID go to the Mrs. Fields store and buy a cookie for myself and andrew (he had never tasted of the chocolatey goodness before) which made the trip well worth it.
On the way back from park city we hit this place called "Dairy Keen." yeah, that's right. All i know is that i'm never letting jake pick the restaurant we eat at again and that i hate fast food. There's this thing there called the "train burger" and it's ok, but not worth the hype. The decor is train station, and it looked as if they were always ready to have a child's birthday party given less than 30 seconds notice. weird place.
The week was pretty much uneventful after that, aside from hitting a dance tonight and the 12:25 am muppet movie friday night at the dollar theater, had a concert, etc..... definitely adopting the "show up for the last half hour of the dance" philosophy. it's way more fun. everybody is hyped, i'm fresh, and i don't have to dance for as long, except if they play "hips don't lie" i probably miss it.
So back to tunnel singing sunday night. My barber's roommate has a friend who goes to college up at BYU-I who has come down to visit once before. I'd jokingly said to my barber "word, she's hot, lemme get her numba" (because i'm a G) after the first visit, and have pretty much been joking about this girl in the same style i'd joke about a certain women's soccer player. anyhow, when i found out Idaho girl was coming down for the weekend, i immediately told my barber and her roommates that it'd be the craziest flirt-fest they'd ever seen and for them to be scared. so during tunnel singing i kind of just stared at her awkwardly. i feel like i use the "awkward" word too much, but it describes what i'm doing the best. ha. anyway, everyone but her noticed, which was totally fine. so i go home and think "well, that wasn't nearly as exciting as we'd all hoped," but i guess my barber didn't think so, because she gave idaho girl my number, which caused her to start texting me until a very inordinate hour of the night. All i can say about that is that the thread has been transcribed by andrew and is now hanging in multiple apartments throughout the ward. To sum it up, we pretty much had a war seeing who could make the other person fold and admit to the situation being strange.....in short seeing how oddly we could express our "love" for each other without the other person caving and saying "this is moronic." i think that's what it was. anyhow, as with anything awkward I WON. cause my thing is to win. (usain bolt). I will say it was a long, hard battle, and she kept up fairly well and almost had me a couple times, granted i was rolling solo and she had 3 girls with her that know me fairly well helping her every move. still, i was mildly impressed, and she left a bag of beef jerky for me when she left. i'm cool with that. Getting married on facebook was also a part of this. thanks for the call mom, next time i elope i'll let you know.
But yeah. Going to sleep now.
it actually has been.
So here's a dump of what i've been doing for the past couple weeks.
Special treat today on my blog, you as the reader get not one, but TWO hilariously funny stories about my adventures with BYU freshman women. the first is one i like to call cookie girl. i believe i mentioned her on the blog a couple weeks ago, but here's the cliffsnotes version of the story: I frosted my phone number onto a cookie at a dance, somebody stole this girl's phone then called me from it, so i started texting her. she seemed pleasant enough, but whatever. Jake says i do this thing he likes to call "relationship suicide," meaning i get "this close/far (holds up fingers to about an inch apart)" with a girl, then pummel the situation into awkwardness and the don't-even-want-to-be-your-friend-zone. If anything, i can say it has saved me a lot of money over the past 6 months. women are expensive to begin with, but i kind of like to think of them like stray cats (metaphorically). if you keep feeding them, they'll keep coming back until you have no food left. should've been an english major right here. Anyway, cookie girl is beyond history. We (summers and myself) found out she lives right next to one of summers' good friends (what are the odds) so we decided to prank her (complete with bandit hats) on valentine's night. Long story short, we stole a bale of hay from another building and left it outside her door (we carried it down 3 flights of stairs and up another 3) with a nonsensical note made from words cut out of newspapers (to protect our identities). pics went up on her facebook, and a couple awkward text messages later she had unfriended myself as well as all of my roommates (even though none of us had ever met). didn't even give me a chance! haha. so yeah.used my classic closer on this one:
(757): I miss us :( </3
(801): I have a boyfriend (comment: pretty sure she was lying)
(757): that's what the last one said.....lolz
(757): so your boyfriend....is he big? is he strong? you like mike and ikes? is your boyfriend bringing you mike and ikes? girl the back of yo head is ridikulus!
Haven't heard from her since. Win. It's always sad when people from utah miss pop culture references because of the bubble that surrounds the state and more specifically provo, where cookie girl is from (strike 1 and 2), and i'm thinking she whiffed on the OBVIOUS Can I Have Yo Number? reference in that last text. Strike 3.
We'll close with the other story so that my post tonight may be bookended with women. lovely.
So last weekend was the Bro weekend. Josh came down from the great and spacious building in Idaho to visit me in nasty old P town for the 3 day vacation we both had. I'm pretty sure it's the last break i get until i'm done with finals, because BYU is too afraid that everyone will go get drunk and become pot dealers if given an entire week off for spring break. Friday night josh made it down for the BYU Cal Baptist volleyball game (we literally had to run down to get there on time) which went 5 games with BYU winning! it was some great volleyball. Josh had played volleyball in the MTC with one of the guys on the team, Fuchs, so we screamed at him. Josh also saw some guys he knew from his mission. small small mormon world. After the Volleyball game, we headed home for some dinner (lemon chicken with pasta, pretty much the only thing i can cook that isn't a pop tart), then went bowling. Josh's trainer, Sam works at the bowling alley in the basement of the wilk, so we got a free game! he's like the guy with all the sweet hookups. We bowled 3 rounds, with me winning the first, then losing the next two. as his score increased, mine steadily decreased. not cool. we hit my apartment at about 11:50 in the PM, and by 12:15 we were on our way to winco to do some grocery shopping. never a dull moment. I also think i should never drive after not driving for an extended period of time.
Saturday we slept in, ate french toast on the Killer Dave's bread, played basketball, then went to another volleyball game. after that, we ended up making Music Videos of us singing and dancing to various songs a la our cover of gold digger that came to pass on our roadtrip out to utah. I hope when my kids read this they don't judge their father and uncle too much.
Sunday we went to church and LEFT EARLY. Not trying to say i'm a saint, but i almost never leave church. I mean, i've got nothing better to do....literally. church is the best place to be. but we had to leave early to drive up for dinner in SLC with grandma. also kind of ran into my bishop on the way out....may or may not lead to some questions during the mission interview. As always, family dinner with Frances, Alvin, Kevin, Dawn, Kent, Aunt Kathleen, and all our cousins was interesting. They are fun people. Dinner was great and it was wonderful to visit with everyone and have a heated debate about how grandma isn't satisfied with her degree and the classes she had to take to get it then get drilled on why i should put orrin hatch posters up in my dorm.......I made the mistake of mentioning my roommate was a political science major. That opened a can of worms.
That night we went tunnel singing, which was rather fun. I like singing with Josh because he's a way better singer than me and can totally understand what i do when i start making stuff up. or gets by really well pretending. This is where we segue into the story about the second girl, but i'm going to skip it and finish up about josh. We were pretty beat after tunnel singing, so josh went to sleep. Woke the next morning early so he could get back to Idaho for school. good times. hopefully i'll be able to go up therefor a weekend soon, depending on whether bratsman does. we'll see.Josh should be heading down for my birthday weekend, which date shall be kept secret.
So monday after josh left I went up with jake, andrew, jake's lady friend (she has a twin so still not really sure on the name, i don't know how the guy does it) and one of jake's buds from high school to the nike outlet in park city. it has been affirmed to me that there is NOTHING IN UTAH. either the land is worthless and uncultivatable, or the people here just like wasting space. whatever. The nike outlet was pretty hardcore, but i didn't buy anything because more shirts=more laundry. I DID go to the Mrs. Fields store and buy a cookie for myself and andrew (he had never tasted of the chocolatey goodness before) which made the trip well worth it.
On the way back from park city we hit this place called "Dairy Keen." yeah, that's right. All i know is that i'm never letting jake pick the restaurant we eat at again and that i hate fast food. There's this thing there called the "train burger" and it's ok, but not worth the hype. The decor is train station, and it looked as if they were always ready to have a child's birthday party given less than 30 seconds notice. weird place.
The week was pretty much uneventful after that, aside from hitting a dance tonight and the 12:25 am muppet movie friday night at the dollar theater, had a concert, etc..... definitely adopting the "show up for the last half hour of the dance" philosophy. it's way more fun. everybody is hyped, i'm fresh, and i don't have to dance for as long, except if they play "hips don't lie" i probably miss it.
So back to tunnel singing sunday night. My barber's roommate has a friend who goes to college up at BYU-I who has come down to visit once before. I'd jokingly said to my barber "word, she's hot, lemme get her numba" (because i'm a G) after the first visit, and have pretty much been joking about this girl in the same style i'd joke about a certain women's soccer player. anyhow, when i found out Idaho girl was coming down for the weekend, i immediately told my barber and her roommates that it'd be the craziest flirt-fest they'd ever seen and for them to be scared. so during tunnel singing i kind of just stared at her awkwardly. i feel like i use the "awkward" word too much, but it describes what i'm doing the best. ha. anyway, everyone but her noticed, which was totally fine. so i go home and think "well, that wasn't nearly as exciting as we'd all hoped," but i guess my barber didn't think so, because she gave idaho girl my number, which caused her to start texting me until a very inordinate hour of the night. All i can say about that is that the thread has been transcribed by andrew and is now hanging in multiple apartments throughout the ward. To sum it up, we pretty much had a war seeing who could make the other person fold and admit to the situation being strange.....in short seeing how oddly we could express our "love" for each other without the other person caving and saying "this is moronic." i think that's what it was. anyhow, as with anything awkward I WON. cause my thing is to win. (usain bolt). I will say it was a long, hard battle, and she kept up fairly well and almost had me a couple times, granted i was rolling solo and she had 3 girls with her that know me fairly well helping her every move. still, i was mildly impressed, and she left a bag of beef jerky for me when she left. i'm cool with that. Getting married on facebook was also a part of this. thanks for the call mom, next time i elope i'll let you know.
But yeah. Going to sleep now.
2/14/2012
Gym Status
This morning I went to the gym with Brandon. This is partially because i'm really out of shape and partially because i am having trouble sleeping, but mostly because i want to get swollen and for chicks to love my hot body. I find if i run or go to the gym it's easier for me to not be up until 4 AM every weeknight. Last week i'd pretty much inadvertently gone nocturnal. not good.
I experienced the phenomena once again of waking up at 6 AM and getting only 5 hours of sleep, something that i'd hoped would never be a part of my life again after i graduated from seminary. Oh well. Brandon was "impressed" to see me out of bed before 2 pm, and some moron had packed snow onto our side door in such a way that we couldn't get out. To whichever girl who did this that is trying to date andrew, that's really cute. really cute. piss his roommate off and see how far you get. After taking the front door out, Summers and I walked down to the Smith Fieldhouse to the gym. I had the second Nimmer sighting in as many days (it must mean something) on our way there.
I'm not going to lie to everyone. I am tall, skinny, and lacking of any muscles aside from those that are required to play musical instruments. Not making excuses here, it's just the truth. Summers, on the other hand, is built pretty solid (no homo) and played a couple sports in high school. the guys an athlete. I'm not making excuses here, just stating the facts. I'm a liberal arts guy. here's a couple rules for the gym:
1) if you don't know what you're doing, find someone who does. I would never hit the gym by myself because it's about as foreign to me as escargo. I think one of the best ways to learn something new is to find someone who is good at whatever it is you're trying to learn, then just copy everything they do. that's what i tried to do this morning. then i realized i may be the scrawniest weakling to crawl the earth. The other great thing is that there are mirrors everywhere in the gym (kind of like a dance studio, slightly ironic) so i can see exactly how thin i am and how much of a strain it is on my poor little body to attempt anything physical.
2) Be sure to take a guy with you who makes you look really good. this is more like a general rule for life. If you're going on a double date, make sure the other guy looks like he got hit by a train so that you look good. This is why i always double with Jake. Figure my chances are better when the chick's frame of reference is skewed. Long story short, I make Summers look like Mr. Universe in the BYU gym.
3) Have a good sense of humor. If i were a girl, i would have walked out of the gym this morning feeling like a complete failure, had no self-esteem left, then probably gone and drowned my sorrows in baking. idk. When you're lifting only 1/2 to 1/3 of the weight of the guy you're with, all you can do is laugh at yourself and scream things to everyone in the gym like "GOD IS WATCHING." keeps them humble. I had a great time this morning and am looking forward to going again. I've never tried serious weight lifting before, and i like to pretend i can run for a reasonable amount of time, so i've just opened up a whole new world in the fitness universe for myself.
A word about valentine's day, since it is the 14th of February.Ideally, you'd want to start dating a girl right after valentine's day (so you don't have to blow money on chocolate you're not going to get). its also a plus if said woman's birthday is before February or long long after you leave on your mission (preferably in a foreign country far, far away). Personally, i don't really care for valentine's day, and isn't that such a surprise. Sure, It's easy for a single guy to dislike valentines, but i think i'd hate it even more if i was dating someone unless she's totally amazing, which she would be anyway because i'm dating her. paradox. Anyhow, my valentine's evening will hopefully be spent assaulting couples making out in public with water balloons. Bandit hats included. I celebrated this valentines day by purchasing the new punch brothers album, and it rocks. i'm dropping out of school and buying a mandolin.
funny story of the week, i went to a valentines dance saturday night (bored outta my mind) and frosted my phone number onto a cookie that said "Date Me." I got a call. more on this later when i see how it pans out. should be rather interesting.
I experienced the phenomena once again of waking up at 6 AM and getting only 5 hours of sleep, something that i'd hoped would never be a part of my life again after i graduated from seminary. Oh well. Brandon was "impressed" to see me out of bed before 2 pm, and some moron had packed snow onto our side door in such a way that we couldn't get out. To whichever girl who did this that is trying to date andrew, that's really cute. really cute. piss his roommate off and see how far you get. After taking the front door out, Summers and I walked down to the Smith Fieldhouse to the gym. I had the second Nimmer sighting in as many days (it must mean something) on our way there.
I'm not going to lie to everyone. I am tall, skinny, and lacking of any muscles aside from those that are required to play musical instruments. Not making excuses here, it's just the truth. Summers, on the other hand, is built pretty solid (no homo) and played a couple sports in high school. the guys an athlete. I'm not making excuses here, just stating the facts. I'm a liberal arts guy. here's a couple rules for the gym:
1) if you don't know what you're doing, find someone who does. I would never hit the gym by myself because it's about as foreign to me as escargo. I think one of the best ways to learn something new is to find someone who is good at whatever it is you're trying to learn, then just copy everything they do. that's what i tried to do this morning. then i realized i may be the scrawniest weakling to crawl the earth. The other great thing is that there are mirrors everywhere in the gym (kind of like a dance studio, slightly ironic) so i can see exactly how thin i am and how much of a strain it is on my poor little body to attempt anything physical.
2) Be sure to take a guy with you who makes you look really good. this is more like a general rule for life. If you're going on a double date, make sure the other guy looks like he got hit by a train so that you look good. This is why i always double with Jake. Figure my chances are better when the chick's frame of reference is skewed. Long story short, I make Summers look like Mr. Universe in the BYU gym.
3) Have a good sense of humor. If i were a girl, i would have walked out of the gym this morning feeling like a complete failure, had no self-esteem left, then probably gone and drowned my sorrows in baking. idk. When you're lifting only 1/2 to 1/3 of the weight of the guy you're with, all you can do is laugh at yourself and scream things to everyone in the gym like "GOD IS WATCHING." keeps them humble. I had a great time this morning and am looking forward to going again. I've never tried serious weight lifting before, and i like to pretend i can run for a reasonable amount of time, so i've just opened up a whole new world in the fitness universe for myself.
A word about valentine's day, since it is the 14th of February.Ideally, you'd want to start dating a girl right after valentine's day (so you don't have to blow money on chocolate you're not going to get). its also a plus if said woman's birthday is before February or long long after you leave on your mission (preferably in a foreign country far, far away). Personally, i don't really care for valentine's day, and isn't that such a surprise. Sure, It's easy for a single guy to dislike valentines, but i think i'd hate it even more if i was dating someone unless she's totally amazing, which she would be anyway because i'm dating her. paradox. Anyhow, my valentine's evening will hopefully be spent assaulting couples making out in public with water balloons. Bandit hats included. I celebrated this valentines day by purchasing the new punch brothers album, and it rocks. i'm dropping out of school and buying a mandolin.
funny story of the week, i went to a valentines dance saturday night (bored outta my mind) and frosted my phone number onto a cookie that said "Date Me." I got a call. more on this later when i see how it pans out. should be rather interesting.
2/11/2012
Professional Awkward
I've realized that my life has had a deficiency of wildly awkward stories.
I've figured that this is because I decided to quit going on dates this semester.
Then it came to light that 90 some odd percent of my wildly awkward stories come from dates i've been on.
So I'm lifting the ban. Not trying to force anything here, but hey, mans gotta do what a mans gotta do. last semester, things would get awkward (for the girl) during the date (not because of anything i'd do) and i'd usually end up laughing really hard about it later. usually i'd be the only one laughing, but it's no skin off my back if people haven't developed a sense of humor by the time they're in college. From not recognizing people after i've taken them out to being exposed to prolonged talks about "sexual tension" (way to go kevin), i've been through it all. 'Tis a tragic life i lead.
There are only two kinds of beings in the world, those who act, and those who are acted upon. you're either running from something or running to something. up until about 2 weeks ago, I was being acted upon: A situation would arise, i'd observe as the whole date would come crashing down round my ears, then I'd laugh about it later (or during). many have often failed to see the humor in this. again, i say many. I've now decided to be proactive, and tonight was night one of my new philosophy. logically, if the date is going to fail, why shouldn't i be the instrument of its failure, or, i.e., it's more fun to set forest fires than it is to watch the fire department try to put them out.
"Some men just want to watch the world burn."
-The Joker, The Dark Knight
So here's the story of what has been (for my date) a wonderfully awkward night. I'll give her credit, she was a good sport about the whole thing.
uh.......we went to this:
Like a Boss. Jake found out about this presentation, which was advertised only as a seminar on dating (i kind of didn't think it'd involve marriage...), but how indescribable was my joy when I saw this was the first slide. Jake told me about the whole thing, and me, in all my glory, said "dude, we should take dates to that. it'd be totally weird." So we did.
The girl i took (who shall remain nameless for her sake) has a bit of a rep on my floor. this blog post may be so beautiful as to make her eyes well up with tears. Here's how the whole thing kind of started: last weekend jake and i were bored the freak out of our minds, so we decided to hit the dollar theater to see "In Time," starring my man Justin Timberlake. Me, not wanting to third-wheel it again with jake and his girlfriend (which i don't mind terribly, but after a while it tries my patience), decided to text said girl and ask her to come with us. she agreed, but when we got to the dollar theater it was sold out. The thing about the dollar theater is that it's so cheap that the shows sell out insanely fast. Insanely. Last week was the 3rd time i've been to the dollar theater and its sold out. bummer. When the dollar theater sells out, the group usually defaults to redbox, which we did. Our choices were either Apollo 18 or cowboys and aliens. Rephrase: i wanted to watch apollo 18 (and still do), but everyone else trumped me so we watched cowboys and aliens. jake's roommates watched with us.....here's the text exchange:
(928): _____has been chewing his food for so long, right in my ear. just saying.
(757): yum. thanks for enduring
(928): haha no its totally fine, just interesting to say the least.
(757): just imagine he's nibbling on your ear, then it doesn't seem so bad.
Champ status.
So naturally, when i walked said woman home that night and gave her a hug, i had to whisper "it's really tempting to nibble your ear right now." awkward? for her. Thanks to this moment i won the "dud of the week" award for my hall, a title which i have chosen to defend with pride. Winning gets me a free IBC root beer (in a glass bottle), which is the perfect compliment to my perfect subway sandwich i eat on fridays. booyah.
So i asked her to come with me to the seminar on dating. figured i might as well. it'd make for a good bit on the blog or something like that. The seminar was actually rather informative, and i totally emailed the club in charge of it to see if i could get a copy of the powerpoint used, because it was some really good stuff. just explained how females' minds work. or how they don't. it also explained how my mind works. NOT. after the lecture (which some people brought notebooks to...) they showed the Princess Bride. Real reason we all were there. what was really disturbing was how many people didn't stay for the movie....bizarre. it's almost like they just came for the lecture and free popcorn. About three quarters of the way through the movie, I decided that the whole dating seminar/jake and his girlfriend being affectionate right next to us/quasi-romance movie night wasn't going awkwardly enough, so i just turned to my date and said "hey, do you want to hold my hand?" to which she said no. solid 10 on the awkward scale. mission accomplished.
Pretty successful night. Came home and watched some sportscenter and ate red potatoes. life is good.
I've figured that this is because I decided to quit going on dates this semester.
Then it came to light that 90 some odd percent of my wildly awkward stories come from dates i've been on.
So I'm lifting the ban. Not trying to force anything here, but hey, mans gotta do what a mans gotta do. last semester, things would get awkward (for the girl) during the date (not because of anything i'd do) and i'd usually end up laughing really hard about it later. usually i'd be the only one laughing, but it's no skin off my back if people haven't developed a sense of humor by the time they're in college. From not recognizing people after i've taken them out to being exposed to prolonged talks about "sexual tension" (way to go kevin), i've been through it all. 'Tis a tragic life i lead.
There are only two kinds of beings in the world, those who act, and those who are acted upon. you're either running from something or running to something. up until about 2 weeks ago, I was being acted upon: A situation would arise, i'd observe as the whole date would come crashing down round my ears, then I'd laugh about it later (or during). many have often failed to see the humor in this. again, i say many. I've now decided to be proactive, and tonight was night one of my new philosophy. logically, if the date is going to fail, why shouldn't i be the instrument of its failure, or, i.e., it's more fun to set forest fires than it is to watch the fire department try to put them out.
"Some men just want to watch the world burn."
-The Joker, The Dark Knight
So here's the story of what has been (for my date) a wonderfully awkward night. I'll give her credit, she was a good sport about the whole thing.
uh.......we went to this:
The girl i took (who shall remain nameless for her sake) has a bit of a rep on my floor. this blog post may be so beautiful as to make her eyes well up with tears. Here's how the whole thing kind of started: last weekend jake and i were bored the freak out of our minds, so we decided to hit the dollar theater to see "In Time," starring my man Justin Timberlake. Me, not wanting to third-wheel it again with jake and his girlfriend (which i don't mind terribly, but after a while it tries my patience), decided to text said girl and ask her to come with us. she agreed, but when we got to the dollar theater it was sold out. The thing about the dollar theater is that it's so cheap that the shows sell out insanely fast. Insanely. Last week was the 3rd time i've been to the dollar theater and its sold out. bummer. When the dollar theater sells out, the group usually defaults to redbox, which we did. Our choices were either Apollo 18 or cowboys and aliens. Rephrase: i wanted to watch apollo 18 (and still do), but everyone else trumped me so we watched cowboys and aliens. jake's roommates watched with us.....here's the text exchange:
(928): _____has been chewing his food for so long, right in my ear. just saying.
(757): yum. thanks for enduring
(928): haha no its totally fine, just interesting to say the least.
(757): just imagine he's nibbling on your ear, then it doesn't seem so bad.
Champ status.
So naturally, when i walked said woman home that night and gave her a hug, i had to whisper "it's really tempting to nibble your ear right now." awkward? for her. Thanks to this moment i won the "dud of the week" award for my hall, a title which i have chosen to defend with pride. Winning gets me a free IBC root beer (in a glass bottle), which is the perfect compliment to my perfect subway sandwich i eat on fridays. booyah.
So i asked her to come with me to the seminar on dating. figured i might as well. it'd make for a good bit on the blog or something like that. The seminar was actually rather informative, and i totally emailed the club in charge of it to see if i could get a copy of the powerpoint used, because it was some really good stuff. just explained how females' minds work. or how they don't. it also explained how my mind works. NOT. after the lecture (which some people brought notebooks to...) they showed the Princess Bride. Real reason we all were there. what was really disturbing was how many people didn't stay for the movie....bizarre. it's almost like they just came for the lecture and free popcorn. About three quarters of the way through the movie, I decided that the whole dating seminar/jake and his girlfriend being affectionate right next to us/quasi-romance movie night wasn't going awkwardly enough, so i just turned to my date and said "hey, do you want to hold my hand?" to which she said no. solid 10 on the awkward scale. mission accomplished.
Pretty successful night. Came home and watched some sportscenter and ate red potatoes. life is good.
2/10/2012
2/09/2012
Posterized
New addition to the blog: I've added a music player at the bottom so you can be pummeled with some tunes i listen to on a quasi-regular basis. I stole this idea from my roommates Mat and Summers' blogs (they both have one, so i figured what the heck). Sure, it's just a gimmick, and if it were me, it'd tick me off because i have a really hard time reading when music is playing. but whatever. The site i used, playlist.com, is (put nicely) a steaming piece of crap. I built the blog playlist this afternoon, and the site only offers tracks that are popular. I couldn't find any of my deep cut john mayer, steely dan, ludo, or nickel creek tracks, and THEY DIDN"T EVEN HAVE CHRIS THILE'S MUSIC ON THE SITE. yeah, it made me just a little bit angry. ideally, i'd like you to be assaulted by Thile's blistering mando licks the minute you open this page, but to no avail. the internet is so limiting sometimes. Also i didn't take time to make the player look pretty at the bottom of the page, so there's that big ugly white space that i'm going to be too lazy to get rid of for the time being. sue me.
we (as an apartment) have collectively decided to be more decorative this semester. This may be in part because the three roommates who we (being kevin, andrew, and myself) viewed less than favorably moved out, which means that we now own the controlling interest (as the guys who have lived here the longest) in the decor. the prison-style cinderblock walls are all but too drab sometimes. It was ultimately Andrew and Mat's decision to redecorate (or decorate at all), so they hit up the beginning-of-semester poster sale at the bookstore. here's the haul, along with other stuff we have hanging here:
This is the poster Mat drew for the St. Mary's game. On the back it says "Even St. Marry's Praises Noah" (being Noah Hartsock, one of the most ballerific players on the BYU basketball team). Oh yeah, That's right. "Mary's" is misspelled,thanks to jake for writing it on the sticky note for Mat wrong. you made it all the way to college without knowing how to spell.
This is our apartment mascot, Mousellini (say it like the italian dictator). He belongs to kevin. Kevin likes to dress him like a hipster. He was once held hostage in a prank war, but yeah. also in the background is an obama sign in our window. We kind of like to display things that rattle people in our window.
Like this:
Now before my mother flies out here and murders me in my bed, I will say that the flag is no longer in my apartment. it was donated. it was a pure joke, and possibly the best dollar and a half i've ever spent on amazon, but a lot of people here took it way to seriously....both ways. Summers was unfriended on facebook by a girl because she was offended, and this other girl in our ward started coming by saying it made her day everytime she walked by our window (which is very visible from the parking lot) and saw the confederate flag flying. So, in honor of MLK day, I took it down. It might reappear.
Here we have some old-ish news. The women's soccer poster that hangs in every freshman dorm, but now we've added a divine comedy poster that kevin stole when we went to the show.
This is Andrew's poster. I refused to pitch in towards this one. I believe my apartment is the most diverse in political ideology out of my entire housing complex because we have a guy who would actually cash out for an obama poster. Hope for Change in 2012.
This is the poster that "represents the whole apartment." it hits on a number of levels.
Now for the grand finale: My Girl Taylor Swift. Fetch yeah we got a poster. originally she hung in our doorway so that she'd be staring at you as you walked in, but I spend more time in the kitchen so she got moved. Occasionally she'll fall off the wall, meaning that she's eaten too much. can you imagine a fat taylor swift? just saying.
In other news, I met an osmond tonight. big deal, right? he (nathan osmond) guest lectured in my intro to music biz class. i was impressed and unimpressed at the same time. while he gave some good advice, it was easy to see that much of his career had been made, even though he had tried as hard as he could for it not to be, because of who his father was (don osmond). told us all how hard it was to make it in the biz when you're donnie osmond's son. i feel your pain man, i feel it.
After class, jake and i headed down to the "Riv" to go hot tubbing with one of his friends from high school. it'll probably be a weekly occurrence. Call it "Hot Tub Book Club" or something.
we (as an apartment) have collectively decided to be more decorative this semester. This may be in part because the three roommates who we (being kevin, andrew, and myself) viewed less than favorably moved out, which means that we now own the controlling interest (as the guys who have lived here the longest) in the decor. the prison-style cinderblock walls are all but too drab sometimes. It was ultimately Andrew and Mat's decision to redecorate (or decorate at all), so they hit up the beginning-of-semester poster sale at the bookstore. here's the haul, along with other stuff we have hanging here:
This is the poster Mat drew for the St. Mary's game. On the back it says "Even St. Marry's Praises Noah" (being Noah Hartsock, one of the most ballerific players on the BYU basketball team). Oh yeah, That's right. "Mary's" is misspelled,thanks to jake for writing it on the sticky note for Mat wrong. you made it all the way to college without knowing how to spell.
Like this:
This is the poster that "represents the whole apartment." it hits on a number of levels.
In other news, I met an osmond tonight. big deal, right? he (nathan osmond) guest lectured in my intro to music biz class. i was impressed and unimpressed at the same time. while he gave some good advice, it was easy to see that much of his career had been made, even though he had tried as hard as he could for it not to be, because of who his father was (don osmond). told us all how hard it was to make it in the biz when you're donnie osmond's son. i feel your pain man, i feel it.
After class, jake and i headed down to the "Riv" to go hot tubbing with one of his friends from high school. it'll probably be a weekly occurrence. Call it "Hot Tub Book Club" or something.
2/03/2012
Deep Vibe
Writing my American heritage paper that is due in a little less than 10 hours.
first cut, so it's not that big of a deal that it makes a minimal amount of sense.
I took a quick bathroom break and started wondering what would happen if somehow my watch slipped off my wrist and fell into the toilet (with my luck, it could happen). the bathroom is a great place to think and here's why: it is quiet, you have the place to yourself, and (if you have food) you never have to leave. so i thought about my watch falling into the crapper and wondered a bit about whether i'd try and get it out real fast or just cut my losses and flush it. i'd probably get it out because it's a sweet watch, but then i'd never feel the same rubbing it on the back of someone's head when i want their attention.
This train of thought led me to thinking about why watches are waterproof up to X amount of depth underwater. it seems to be a standard by which watches are judged. oh, this one can only go down to 25 feet below water, but this one over here goes all the way down to 200 feet. who cares if the first one is diamond encrusted, i'm buying the other one because it's STRONGER. sure, scuba divers need watches to keep track of how much oxygen and crap they have in their tank, but i really think that the amount of people who go scuba diving on a regular basis versus the amount of people who buy watches (pretty much every classy man on the planet) is too disproportionate to make printing "safe up to X feet" requisite on every watch in the world. just watch the sun for crying out loud.
long story short, my watch didn't fall off my slender wrist into the toilet, but it was fun to think about.
Deep Vibe.
I'm also searching for a name for my podcast. open to suggestions that don't suck. currently thinking "Be that as it may: The life and times of a BYU Freshman" or possibly "A Strange man in an even Stranger land: Broadcasting not-so-live from Provo."
first cut, so it's not that big of a deal that it makes a minimal amount of sense.
I took a quick bathroom break and started wondering what would happen if somehow my watch slipped off my wrist and fell into the toilet (with my luck, it could happen). the bathroom is a great place to think and here's why: it is quiet, you have the place to yourself, and (if you have food) you never have to leave. so i thought about my watch falling into the crapper and wondered a bit about whether i'd try and get it out real fast or just cut my losses and flush it. i'd probably get it out because it's a sweet watch, but then i'd never feel the same rubbing it on the back of someone's head when i want their attention.
This train of thought led me to thinking about why watches are waterproof up to X amount of depth underwater. it seems to be a standard by which watches are judged. oh, this one can only go down to 25 feet below water, but this one over here goes all the way down to 200 feet. who cares if the first one is diamond encrusted, i'm buying the other one because it's STRONGER. sure, scuba divers need watches to keep track of how much oxygen and crap they have in their tank, but i really think that the amount of people who go scuba diving on a regular basis versus the amount of people who buy watches (pretty much every classy man on the planet) is too disproportionate to make printing "safe up to X feet" requisite on every watch in the world. just watch the sun for crying out loud.
long story short, my watch didn't fall off my slender wrist into the toilet, but it was fun to think about.
Deep Vibe.
I'm also searching for a name for my podcast. open to suggestions that don't suck. currently thinking "Be that as it may: The life and times of a BYU Freshman" or possibly "A Strange man in an even Stranger land: Broadcasting not-so-live from Provo."
2/02/2012
Podcasting
Today was a rather spectacular day.
I awoke a solid hour earlier than usual. I've found that when I get up earlier in the day (before 2 pm), I get more things done and feel better about myself. I came to this conclusion in the first few weeks that i was at college, then continued to sleep as long as possible for the remainder of the semester. Sure, i feel great during the day when i get up early, but it feels better to sleep in. in the rare event that i do get my butt out of bed before i usually do, i find myself happier, yet i continue to lack the motivation to do this on a fairly consistent basis.
So i woke up at 8:40. big deal, i know, but when you don't have class until 10 it's a major problem to hurdle getting out of bed before 9:50. I headed down to the Kimball building because one of my friends wanted me to help her with an american heritage paper, because the TA's are absolutely useless, even though she spent the better part of the hour talking to the TA. and didn't see me. So i sat down and did my theory/sightsinging homework instead of helping with an american heritage paper. I have my own to write, and it'll be horrifying enough. I'm not too hot on living through 2 AH papers.
I returned my music theory textbooks at the beginning of the semester because they were a waste of money (got the full refund). problems with this started to arise when the professor started assigning material out of the textbook for homework. ever playing the odds, i've cobbled all my homework assignments together through various google books and amazon.com book previews. the internet is such a great place. Not to be cocky, but most of the stuff in the theory textbook was review, so i figured "why waste $200 on a book full of stuff that's already in my brain?" the logic is sound, and so far, luck has favored me. all the pages we've used have been in the online previews. i pray my luck holds out. I've started doing fun things in theory like sneaking french chords onto my tests (like, its two tritones seperated by a major 3rd on the submediant in minor. usable in major as well. sounds like V7/III BUT IT ISN"T BECAUSE THERES AN EXTRA NOTE IN THERE). pretty sure that the TA didn't quite get it. there was just a big red circle around it but no points taken off then "sorry" written at the bottom. Jacob 1, TA 0. Next test will be composed entirely of secondary dominants/diminished seventh chords, ending with the neapolitan in first inversion, V7 flat 9, then minor I for the ULTIMATE HARMONIZATION OF WHATEVER MELODY HE SHALL CHOOSE TO GIVE. I don't really like my theory class (in there with lots of vocal majors), but i do enjoy having fun with my assignments.
Other events of today include my attendance at a class about sound production in film. It was at the LDS motion picture studio (which is located behind Buy Low), and i had to borrow matt's bike to get down there in a timely fashion. class ended at 5:35, ten minute walk home, and a supposed 10 minute bike ride there would give me 5 minutes to spare, but GOOGLE MAPS LIED. Props to matt for the favor, but i think there was something seriously wrong with his bike. I felt like the thing would fall apart underneath me at any given second (the front wheel kept wiggling around in an ominous sort of way), so i chose not to bike as fast as i could. Other thing: provo has hills. not fun for a guy from the flatlands of virginia beach. the LDS studio wasn't quite what i expected. not as much swag as the BYU broadcast building, and honest to goodness looked like a church building on the inside, aside from all the recording gear and the enormous sound stage. same cinderblocks, same doors on the bathrooms, same signs outside the bathrooms....whoever supplies stuff for the LDS church has got to be ROLLING IN IT.
after class, i hit buy low (figured i should since i was down there) and bought a bunch of hashbrowns. 1.25 for a 24 oz bag. oh yeah baby. biking home was unpleasant, because it was uphill and rainy.
After getting home, the inner-tube water polo team i'm on went to win our first match. we've got it down.
After polo, Summers opened his mission call. the guy is going to south africa. hardcore.
I also decided today that i'm going to start recording a whole bunch of stuff in my dorm. given the fact that my resources are semi-limited, i decided to start podcasting. Several people have told me that my blog is great, but they like it better when i tell the stories i publish here. for example, a particular group of my blog followers enjoyed my live rendition of the post about my trip across the country with josh far more than the online version. I figured i've got the gear, so why not? This also presents the problem of having to choose a name for the podcast, which i think i can make available on itunes, but we'll see. if itunes will work. I love how everything apple just died with steve jobs. thanks. Life, the universe, and everything just doesn't sit well for a podcast. I'm thinking something along the lines of "deep vibes with jacob." the great thing about the podcast is that you can stick it on your ipod, listen to it all the time, and have my beautiful voice caress your ears and the ears of all your really hot friends who want to date me, all without having me be there. it's like a teaser trailer for jacob. I really think i should hit the sack, because that last idea sounds like a good one at this time of night.
I awoke a solid hour earlier than usual. I've found that when I get up earlier in the day (before 2 pm), I get more things done and feel better about myself. I came to this conclusion in the first few weeks that i was at college, then continued to sleep as long as possible for the remainder of the semester. Sure, i feel great during the day when i get up early, but it feels better to sleep in. in the rare event that i do get my butt out of bed before i usually do, i find myself happier, yet i continue to lack the motivation to do this on a fairly consistent basis.
So i woke up at 8:40. big deal, i know, but when you don't have class until 10 it's a major problem to hurdle getting out of bed before 9:50. I headed down to the Kimball building because one of my friends wanted me to help her with an american heritage paper, because the TA's are absolutely useless, even though she spent the better part of the hour talking to the TA. and didn't see me. So i sat down and did my theory/sightsinging homework instead of helping with an american heritage paper. I have my own to write, and it'll be horrifying enough. I'm not too hot on living through 2 AH papers.
I returned my music theory textbooks at the beginning of the semester because they were a waste of money (got the full refund). problems with this started to arise when the professor started assigning material out of the textbook for homework. ever playing the odds, i've cobbled all my homework assignments together through various google books and amazon.com book previews. the internet is such a great place. Not to be cocky, but most of the stuff in the theory textbook was review, so i figured "why waste $200 on a book full of stuff that's already in my brain?" the logic is sound, and so far, luck has favored me. all the pages we've used have been in the online previews. i pray my luck holds out. I've started doing fun things in theory like sneaking french chords onto my tests (like, its two tritones seperated by a major 3rd on the submediant in minor. usable in major as well. sounds like V7/III BUT IT ISN"T BECAUSE THERES AN EXTRA NOTE IN THERE). pretty sure that the TA didn't quite get it. there was just a big red circle around it but no points taken off then "sorry" written at the bottom. Jacob 1, TA 0. Next test will be composed entirely of secondary dominants/diminished seventh chords, ending with the neapolitan in first inversion, V7 flat 9, then minor I for the ULTIMATE HARMONIZATION OF WHATEVER MELODY HE SHALL CHOOSE TO GIVE. I don't really like my theory class (in there with lots of vocal majors), but i do enjoy having fun with my assignments.
Other events of today include my attendance at a class about sound production in film. It was at the LDS motion picture studio (which is located behind Buy Low), and i had to borrow matt's bike to get down there in a timely fashion. class ended at 5:35, ten minute walk home, and a supposed 10 minute bike ride there would give me 5 minutes to spare, but GOOGLE MAPS LIED. Props to matt for the favor, but i think there was something seriously wrong with his bike. I felt like the thing would fall apart underneath me at any given second (the front wheel kept wiggling around in an ominous sort of way), so i chose not to bike as fast as i could. Other thing: provo has hills. not fun for a guy from the flatlands of virginia beach. the LDS studio wasn't quite what i expected. not as much swag as the BYU broadcast building, and honest to goodness looked like a church building on the inside, aside from all the recording gear and the enormous sound stage. same cinderblocks, same doors on the bathrooms, same signs outside the bathrooms....whoever supplies stuff for the LDS church has got to be ROLLING IN IT.
after class, i hit buy low (figured i should since i was down there) and bought a bunch of hashbrowns. 1.25 for a 24 oz bag. oh yeah baby. biking home was unpleasant, because it was uphill and rainy.
After getting home, the inner-tube water polo team i'm on went to win our first match. we've got it down.
After polo, Summers opened his mission call. the guy is going to south africa. hardcore.
I also decided today that i'm going to start recording a whole bunch of stuff in my dorm. given the fact that my resources are semi-limited, i decided to start podcasting. Several people have told me that my blog is great, but they like it better when i tell the stories i publish here. for example, a particular group of my blog followers enjoyed my live rendition of the post about my trip across the country with josh far more than the online version. I figured i've got the gear, so why not? This also presents the problem of having to choose a name for the podcast, which i think i can make available on itunes, but we'll see. if itunes will work. I love how everything apple just died with steve jobs. thanks. Life, the universe, and everything just doesn't sit well for a podcast. I'm thinking something along the lines of "deep vibes with jacob." the great thing about the podcast is that you can stick it on your ipod, listen to it all the time, and have my beautiful voice caress your ears and the ears of all your really hot friends who want to date me, all without having me be there. it's like a teaser trailer for jacob. I really think i should hit the sack, because that last idea sounds like a good one at this time of night.
1/29/2012
Camping.
Since Thursday evening, my life has been a low-level camping trip.
I really like to go camping. it's great to unplug from life (figuratively and literally), and gives me an excuse to slack off on items of personal hygiene that would otherwise be unacceptable. these will not be discussed here. I was introduced to a rather different style of camping this week that involved spending the night camped on a sidewalk outside BYU's basketball arena, the Marriott Center.
I really don't like die hard sports fans that make tools of themselves by doing things like camping out for basketball games days before just so they can get in. BYU has a pretty solid team (ish), but not anything worth killing yourself in 25 degree weather for. I hate the mania. plus the team has been off ever since Stephen Rogers had surgery on his knee for a torn meniscus over christmas break. not good. I was rather disgusted to find myself lumped in with that group of people that I so vehemently hate. but whatever. I figured as a BYU freshman, I had to camp out for at least one basketball game, just to get the full experience.
Camping out was one of those ideas that sounded awesome in the dorm but kind of sucked in reality. Sure, I'm a wimp. I'll be the first to say it. I absolutely HATE being cold. So when jake and i headed down to the MC thursday at 10 to set up the tent, i was feeling slightly apprehensive about the whole venture. initially, it wasn't terribly cold, so we got settled into our sleeping bags and were pretty warm for the first part of the night. In all our wisdom, we forgot any form of entertainment for ourselves (playing cards, books, ipods) so we occupied ourselves by text messaging our friends, then collaborating on the craziest thing to text back. Such is the life. My favorite thread for the night was between myself and jake's ladyfriend (she's a twin so i really haven't got her name down yet....) and went as such:
Keep in mind that she didn't have my number.
(757): ;)
(801): haha i don't have this number. hmm...who is this and why did you send me a winky face?
(757): because I LUV YOU
(757): BABY
(801): You're weird. This is Jacob isn't it?
(757): you think i would be that obvious?
(801): what do you want?
(757): 10 million dollars worth of gold dolphin statues or i strangle jake in his sleep. you have until midnight
(801): go for it i don't care
(757): sweet so you'll be free saturday night?
(801): no i actually have a date with Bill Smith (name has been changed to protect identity)
(757): I feel like that's your cousin
(801): no he is this guy from scotland and hes so funny!
(757): i still feel like he's your cousin
(801): umm no not that we know of....
(757): you should definitely check the genealogical library. you never know.
The conversation continues for a bit, then we find out that jake's friend does not have her phone, but some dude (Bill Smith) had taken it and was texting me. this came to light when "she" started talking about how awesome bill was and how they were ditching the basketball game saturday night to go to olive garden, which was followed by more texts about how cool Bill was. kind of had a field day with that that included numerous references to the sandlot that i'm not quite sure bill understood, but his loss. the things I will do when i'm bored.
I awoke friday morning cold, grumpy, and ready to put as much distance between myself and that accursed plot of pavement that had robbed me of anything that remotely resembled a good nights sleep. I actually RAN home at about 7 AM, did some homework, drank some apple cider, took a test, then went to class. that afternoon, I went to yet another waste of time sectional, then returned to the Marriott center to stand watch over our tent for 4 hours. Cold. unpleasant.
That night i was relieved from watch by jake, and didn't have to sleep in the tent because jake's cousin matt had come down from logan for the game, so they manned the tent that night. warm bed=success. I spent my friday night at the divine comedy's twilight show, which was hilairous. part of it involved a guy acting as clearplay [this mormon dvd player that edits everything not mormon-approved out, turning the matrix into a short film instead of a feature length] who held up big cardboard circles to edit out things like "unnecessary native american toplessness," "poor attempts at hotness" and "anything that remotely hints at a honeymoon." I actually kind of want to see that movie now. that was followed by a rather spectacular round of Apples to Apples, then a solid night's sleep IN MY WARM BED. i don't feel like i can stress that enough. It is a bit of a bummer in Apples to Apples when you play two communist leaders in two turns (karl marx and vladmir lenin) and don't win.
Today I waited in line some more. Started Reading "Of Mice and Men" for the heck of it, then played some basketball. Our intramural team had its first non-loss (we tied) and this fat whiny guy on the other team yelled "QUIT GRABBING MY LEG" at me. it wasn't even intentional. i really hate tools.
The much awaited St. Marys game was a bit of a bust. eighth row center court seats, but that was about the only good part of the game. The MC was sold out (about 23,000 people), but BYU just couldn't keep up with St. marys. in my wholly unbiased opinion, the referees made some bogus calls. like a lot of them. both ways. Our point guard, Carlino, Fouled out. There were also like 4 or 5 technical fouls during the game. a bunch of classless BYU fans decided to represent mormonism really well and chuck these little towels they handed out to us before the game at the referees. not a good idea, morons. at one point, the BYU deficit was cut to 10 and it seemed as if we could win, but it didn't happen. St Mary's was populated with a crap load of floppers. one guy actually dove onto the floor to get a foul called. wusses. play the game like it's meant to be played.
So after BYU's loss, we ended up redboxing Moneyball and grabbing some Pizza from little ceasars. pretty good end to a pretty bum night. Moneyball is a solid movie that made me almost like baseball and jonah hill. Brad pitt did a great job in it, and i would recommend to bill reeves because it's a movie about stat rats. nothing like watching a sports movie without women after a BYU loss.
Sadly, I will end up camping out for the gonzaga game next week.
I really like to go camping. it's great to unplug from life (figuratively and literally), and gives me an excuse to slack off on items of personal hygiene that would otherwise be unacceptable. these will not be discussed here. I was introduced to a rather different style of camping this week that involved spending the night camped on a sidewalk outside BYU's basketball arena, the Marriott Center.
I really don't like die hard sports fans that make tools of themselves by doing things like camping out for basketball games days before just so they can get in. BYU has a pretty solid team (ish), but not anything worth killing yourself in 25 degree weather for. I hate the mania. plus the team has been off ever since Stephen Rogers had surgery on his knee for a torn meniscus over christmas break. not good. I was rather disgusted to find myself lumped in with that group of people that I so vehemently hate. but whatever. I figured as a BYU freshman, I had to camp out for at least one basketball game, just to get the full experience.
Camping out was one of those ideas that sounded awesome in the dorm but kind of sucked in reality. Sure, I'm a wimp. I'll be the first to say it. I absolutely HATE being cold. So when jake and i headed down to the MC thursday at 10 to set up the tent, i was feeling slightly apprehensive about the whole venture. initially, it wasn't terribly cold, so we got settled into our sleeping bags and were pretty warm for the first part of the night. In all our wisdom, we forgot any form of entertainment for ourselves (playing cards, books, ipods) so we occupied ourselves by text messaging our friends, then collaborating on the craziest thing to text back. Such is the life. My favorite thread for the night was between myself and jake's ladyfriend (she's a twin so i really haven't got her name down yet....) and went as such:
Keep in mind that she didn't have my number.
(757): ;)
(801): haha i don't have this number. hmm...who is this and why did you send me a winky face?
(757): because I LUV YOU
(757): BABY
(801): You're weird. This is Jacob isn't it?
(757): you think i would be that obvious?
(801): what do you want?
(757): 10 million dollars worth of gold dolphin statues or i strangle jake in his sleep. you have until midnight
(801): go for it i don't care
(757): sweet so you'll be free saturday night?
(801): no i actually have a date with Bill Smith (name has been changed to protect identity)
(757): I feel like that's your cousin
(801): no he is this guy from scotland and hes so funny!
(757): i still feel like he's your cousin
(801): umm no not that we know of....
(757): you should definitely check the genealogical library. you never know.
The conversation continues for a bit, then we find out that jake's friend does not have her phone, but some dude (Bill Smith) had taken it and was texting me. this came to light when "she" started talking about how awesome bill was and how they were ditching the basketball game saturday night to go to olive garden, which was followed by more texts about how cool Bill was. kind of had a field day with that that included numerous references to the sandlot that i'm not quite sure bill understood, but his loss. the things I will do when i'm bored.
I awoke friday morning cold, grumpy, and ready to put as much distance between myself and that accursed plot of pavement that had robbed me of anything that remotely resembled a good nights sleep. I actually RAN home at about 7 AM, did some homework, drank some apple cider, took a test, then went to class. that afternoon, I went to yet another waste of time sectional, then returned to the Marriott center to stand watch over our tent for 4 hours. Cold. unpleasant.
That night i was relieved from watch by jake, and didn't have to sleep in the tent because jake's cousin matt had come down from logan for the game, so they manned the tent that night. warm bed=success. I spent my friday night at the divine comedy's twilight show, which was hilairous. part of it involved a guy acting as clearplay [this mormon dvd player that edits everything not mormon-approved out, turning the matrix into a short film instead of a feature length] who held up big cardboard circles to edit out things like "unnecessary native american toplessness," "poor attempts at hotness" and "anything that remotely hints at a honeymoon." I actually kind of want to see that movie now. that was followed by a rather spectacular round of Apples to Apples, then a solid night's sleep IN MY WARM BED. i don't feel like i can stress that enough. It is a bit of a bummer in Apples to Apples when you play two communist leaders in two turns (karl marx and vladmir lenin) and don't win.
Today I waited in line some more. Started Reading "Of Mice and Men" for the heck of it, then played some basketball. Our intramural team had its first non-loss (we tied) and this fat whiny guy on the other team yelled "QUIT GRABBING MY LEG" at me. it wasn't even intentional. i really hate tools.
The much awaited St. Marys game was a bit of a bust. eighth row center court seats, but that was about the only good part of the game. The MC was sold out (about 23,000 people), but BYU just couldn't keep up with St. marys. in my wholly unbiased opinion, the referees made some bogus calls. like a lot of them. both ways. Our point guard, Carlino, Fouled out. There were also like 4 or 5 technical fouls during the game. a bunch of classless BYU fans decided to represent mormonism really well and chuck these little towels they handed out to us before the game at the referees. not a good idea, morons. at one point, the BYU deficit was cut to 10 and it seemed as if we could win, but it didn't happen. St Mary's was populated with a crap load of floppers. one guy actually dove onto the floor to get a foul called. wusses. play the game like it's meant to be played.
So after BYU's loss, we ended up redboxing Moneyball and grabbing some Pizza from little ceasars. pretty good end to a pretty bum night. Moneyball is a solid movie that made me almost like baseball and jonah hill. Brad pitt did a great job in it, and i would recommend to bill reeves because it's a movie about stat rats. nothing like watching a sports movie without women after a BYU loss.
Sadly, I will end up camping out for the gonzaga game next week.
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