Chronicle

it being a thursday night in provo with nothing to do, Jake and i decided to hit the dollar theater for a movie. jake was accompanied by his girlish friend, and i rolled solo tonight. usually, when we go to a dollar movie, jake brings his special friend and i text every girl in my phone and offer them a free movie in order to avoid playing the ever-increasing role of 3rd wheel at the movies. I don't mind, but it's nice to have someone to talk to while jake is.............otherwise occupied.

Tonight's movie was the 2012 spectacular called Chronicle. It reeled in an astounding 85% on rotten tomatoes, and, as far as the east side of the 2nd floor of my hall is concerned, that about warrants an academy award. It did say online that there was a sequence of "teen drinking," so it was a long shot getting jake to go. should've been a good movie, right?

WRONG.

for starters, it was filmed in a very cloverfield-esque style. this means that the entire movie is seen from the lens of a handheld camera. artistic? sure. give me a headache? definitely. did people leave the theatre? YES. having the dollar theater sound system coupled with what looks like a 4-year old's cinematography does nothing good for the film. i get the feeling when a video production company runs out of money they start selling stuff (like camera tripods) to make ends meet, then you get this lovely artsy parkinsons hipster footage that you have to suffer through until either the theater implodes from a lack of quality or the movie ends.

 Don't get me wrong, i freakin LOVE the dollar theater. it's the only way i see movies now. i'm way too budget-conscious (or pretend to be) to pay like 9 bucks for a movie, 18 if i take a girl. I just sit and wait for it to hit the dollar theater so going to the movies doesn't have to be some big, expensive, sacrifice-a-couple-meals-for-a-girl kind of event. sure the sound system is crappy, the screens are small, and the overall vibe is one of "are you 18?," but man, i don't feel a smidgeon of guilt talking and texting all the way through a bad movie. If people get mad at me i'm just like "what, am i wasting your money? you paid a freakin' dollar for this! Honey Badger take what it want!" You do kind of have to be careful with where you sit in the dollar theater. just throwing that out there.

mediocrity of visual effects and cinematography aside, the molasses-paced plot and script were about the worst thing i've heard since the guttural screams of that live walrus we chucked in the deep-fat frier. it sounded like a good idea at the time. the movie moved so slow i thought it might be going backwards. it's pretty much about these three guys who touch a magic rock that gives them telekinetic powers. one of the kids turns out to be an emo freak with no friends, so he naturally abuses his powers and kills people and stuff. there's no real conflict, other than emo boy (whose videocamera we see about 98% of the movie from) going crazy and wanting to destroy the world. yeah. in essence, the entire movie was described by the word that was said the most during it.....a word i will not say here because there are preschool toys present. I'm not one who gets offended by poor language, i just think it's poor. makes people look like complete idiots, especially when your "snappy script" (rotten tomatoes) can't go more than 12 seconds without dropping some curse bomb. The final battle scene involved two of the three guys duking it out through some city that i think is in washington state......seattle possibly? kevin would know. anyhow, i feel like the screenwriter just copy-pasted the dialog from the obi-wan kenobi anakin skywalker fight scene into his movie. It would seem that a half-dead bleeding sack of teenager screaming "YOU UNDERESTIMATE MY POWERS" at his best friend turned arch-nemesis never gets old. never.

the good thing about chronicle is that it is one short movie. It was 90 minutes long, tops. small miracles like that make this world worth living in.