Tweets for the Streets, Part 1

Twitter is like my favorite social media site. I got a twitter right before i left for college so that i could keep my parents informed about what i was doing without having to call them (or vice-versa) every hour of every day of the week. The following tweets are supposed to be an accurate representation of my first semester at school. the use of twitter itself changed drastically between my first semester and my second, primarily because two of my good friends, Jake Harmer and my boy Brandon decided to get twitter accounts. That invariably led to my tweets becoming more inside-joke-ish and immature (funnier). So from the first semester, things are a bit journalistic. I tweet a lot about Carson (who i hate), Andrew (who i didn't really know), and subway.

If you're a loyal enough friend to follow me on twitter, then some of this will be old news. but if you're not........enjoy. they get progressively funnier as my filter thins away into nonexistence.

enjoy

"A $200 textbook better turn me into something amazing after I read it"

"106 in Vegas. Why do I have a sweater? Cause it didn't fit in my luggage."

"People here dance weird"

"an RM is in my freshman writing class. Creepy? it's ok ladies, he's married. she's 26."

"If I hear the glee version of "don't stop believing" one more time imma smack a cracker"

"I've always thought there was something fundamentally wrong with the universe."

"nothing brightens the spirituality of a sunday afternoon like Halo in the kitchen when i get home from church."

"Been walking around campus all day and just realized the sticker is still on my pants"

"Utards are so cheap. @ subway and they're stiffin me on meat....can't they see I'm underweight ?"

"Dear random piano player girl in student union building: Thx 4 ruining that Chopin for me. Warms my heart. Call me. Love, Jacob."

"dude, potatoes are disgusting" says Carson as he eats his (n)th bunless hot dog of this week. #dessertordisaster?"

"All this library time makes me feel like hermione granger. #neverfeltsoalive"

"Dear Elise, Thanks bunches for the smack on the back of my head this morning. Nice to see you've matured lots since primary. Love, Jacob."

"Musicians, collectively, are one ugly bunch of people. It's a wonder we didn't die out years ago."

"Reading rainbow would be jealous of lee library"s swag"

"When you have a large group of people living together who are all convinced they're so unique, they all usually end up doing the same things"

"knocked on FHE group's door, another chick came out from her apt. turned out to be her b-day as well. we didn't have cake for her. awkward."

"I PUT A COUPLE POUNDS ON SINCE THE LAST GO AROUND" best ad-lib at the beginning of a song."

"Don't understand why morons that play the violin can't practice at home"

"Very tempted to pee in a water fountain because there are no bathrooms in the music building."

"matt, you don't hold hands with a chick you're just friends with" (pause) "unless she's REALLY REALLY hot"

"Not thinking my system can handle corn tortillas with nutella and peanut butter much longer"

"6 rolls of tp in a week. Somebody has a bowel problem they're not telling us about."

"Social dance has now become challenge to avoid the 50 year old lady there. They don't call this school the cougars 4 nothing"

"Got my lab sheet for physics and one of the labs is called "pop bottles". I'm hoping Gucci Mane and lil Wayne show up and be the TAs 4 it"

"do you have food/are your roommates hot? yes and yes? WE ARE SO THERE."

"get home today and there's a large BYU women's soccer poster sitting on the desk. i've got a good roommate"

"Carson and mike: blasting Britney spears, door shut and locked, singing along. I am now legit worried about how the semester will go."

"you know, this could be you're future wife here...." "no.....i'm pretty sure it's not...."

"Dude, She texted me for the first time today. you know what that means?" "She must have been really bored."

"Didn't realize the student union building is a major hub for church meetings until I walked up here in my pajamas."

"ward directory just came out.....now getting friend requests on FB from people i REALLY don't know"

"the only thing i don't like about andrew is his habit of going to bed before 2 AM. also, i don't like his capacity to wake up super early."

"I have a visual on the snake woman."

"too cheap to buy tissues, nose is running, just using newspaper because it's free. downside: ink smears on face. looks like mascara. #whoops"

"Yeah. Jimmer just walked past me. like a foot away. no big."

"It's 1 am. Tryna sleep. Some cracker in the apartment below me is singing himself to sleep or something. #thisisnothighschoolmusical."

"Andrew is sleeptalking. He just said "I love my money" #bigpimpin"

"it's a good thing they don't sell alcohol on campus....game like tonights is almost enough to turn a man to drink"

""Her picture was Not in my ward directory""

Girl: "you really love yourself don't you?" Jake: "it's more Of a lust kind of thing."

"so maybe I tried to light a match on my jeans' zipper tonight, maybe i didn't."

"matt screaming again about how he's not dating people. #getrealbro"

"how did he get my number?!?!?" "uh....you texted him" "oh....."

"Second time this week i've had to sprint out of the girls new heritage building. #collegelife"

"Sagging your pants showing your drawers is cool, until you realize that your briefs are inside out. #backfire"

"Homecoming is not stag.....smh. Now I got to pretend to be interested in a chick to get a date"

"you know, i'd like a lot of women a lot more if they smelled either of beef jerky or gasoline."

"spent the night knocking on girls' doors asking them how to make brownies from a mix. #sosinglerighthere"

"i'm not a hipster, i'm actually European"

"Attention women: do not breast feed your children at football games. Use the bathroom or something. Don't feed your kid in the stands."

"just got nimmered. #holla"

"I can't just show up at her dorm and say 'let's go hot tub'" "fetch yeah you can"

"sounds produced by am individual are rarely perceived as annoying by that individual" physics textbook explains why so many people sing.

"Jake, beauty is in the eye of the beholder" "matt must have a pencil stuck in his eye."

"so matt's pseudo-girlfriend's FB default pic is with andrew.....#likeaboss"

"#textoftheday "Heard you three asked some girls out with some more random objects" fetch yeah we did."

"hey, i want to drop some dough on you sometime. Text me."

"there is an inverse relation between how old you are and how excited you get about going to the bathroom. the older, the less excited. #fact"

"Pretty sure I've made up about 10 words for this paper. Prof said she wanted creativity. #takethat"

""so my bishop gave me advice on dating....he said it'd turn me into a dating machine!!" "so what are you doing friday?" "no." #iamachamp"

"i really hope the girls on the 4th floor of the new heritage building don't compare notes.........."

"Walk into physics and prof. Is showing Rebecca blacks "Friday" almost walked out and shot a bunny. So hard not to skip class. #friday"

"On my geology hike today I had a real treat.Got to listen to a bunch ofdifferent girls compare ways they got two guysjake and jacobs numbers" -Mckenna

"#textoftheday- "i'd rather cuddle with jacob than with you." -Jake Harmer. #nohomo. just telling it how it is."

"doing my bowings for symph. good thing my section leader was drunk when she scanned the music into the PDF. half the music is missing."

#textoftheday "You know It's gonna be a hard day when you look at a box that says concentrated and you think it says castrated"

"one page of http://iwastesomuchtime.com. hold me to that." -Andrew. #Famouslastwords

"putting pics of yourself on chick's door: fun. asking girl out: fun. currently dreading the date. something wrong with me?"

"the day is not complete without a "you're weird" text from sharissa"

"caleb's xbox live subscription expired so he has moved the device into his room (xbox no longer in kitchen). finally. this is a good day"

"Feelings make you weak. Havent you ever seen star wars?"

"Hugging the TA will not make your exam score higher you dipwad"

"First morning i've woken up this semester and the apt. hasn't reeked of human flatulence. I've got the feeling next term will be awesome."