Tourists.

If you ever find yourself a tourist in VA Beach, here are a few points to keep in mind.

1)  Have no self consciousness- If you are a woman, wear the skimpiest bikini available to you, no matter how old and overweight you are.  If you are a man, be sure that your upper body has the color and consistency of cottage cheese when you have your shirt off. speedos are not mandatory, but do give bonus points, depending on your age and amount of back hair. Just remember that the beach is for you to show everyone that you are a health club’s worst nightmare, or dream come true (take your pick).

2)  Bring way too much crap to the beach- Be it multiple umbrellas, cornhole boards, 3 towels per person in your party, volleyballs, boogie boards, surfboards, mosquito tents, kayaks, or a small dune buggy, make sure you have 1 or more of every item in the beach rental store. 2-3 trips from your family minivan or SUV to get all your junk down to the beach is about average. If you have to put gear in your cartop carrier, more power to you.

3)  Bring a dog. Everyone loves getting “wet-nosed” by someone else’s dog, even when they are trying to take a nap or tan. Even though they might act offended and swear at you/your dog, they are really just pretending to be mad to mask how much they love you and Fifi. 

4)  Smoke.

5)  Have tattoos-crosses, half-naked women on undersized biceps, and tramp stamps you got when you were 19 at a drinking party are all in plain sight when you have your shirt off. Just keep that in mind.

6)  Try and act like a local- this is probably the most important one. Be sure to master the lingo of the area you are in and to scowl at all other tourists whenever possible. The Hawaiian print t-shirts and wide brimmed straw hats are a guaranteed winner. Sadly, no matter how valiant your efforts at emulating a local, you will not be able to get “residents only” parking discounts anywhere.

7)   The Ocean is HOSTILE- EVERYTHING in the ocean WILL kill you.  if anything touches you in the water, assume that it is a great white shark, portugese man of war, blue ringed octopus, the loch ness monster, or some combination of all of them (think megashark vs. crocasauras) . The ocean is a dangerous place, and since all of your tourist children peed in the water, nobody can see anything in it. (Visibility 3-5 inches on a clear day). That being said, nobody really knows what is in the ocean surrounding Virginia Beach, but you can rest assured that it is populated with the deadliest marine life in the western hemisphere. call 911.

8)  Treat the lifeguards like idiots- Try and drown yourself if you can, especially if the lifeguard is hot. Nobody has seen the sandlot here, so you’re ok. It’s not like they know what they’re doing anyway. always keep in mind that since you are the tourist, much like Johnny Depp, you are the superior being.

9)  Litter-there are magical munchkins (imported from Oz by city council) that exist solely to pick up your garbage. Cigarette butts, unwanted Justin Bieber CDs, and discarded underwear are among the most commonly found by the MBCF (munchkin-beach-cleanup-force). Ding-dong, your trash is gone.

10)         Have fun. it's the beach people.